What if...

Discuss the poem What if... with the community...

https://www.poetry.com/poem/171515/what-if...

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  alanswansea18

  Hi Katie I love this poem I understand it.

  LikeReply4 months ago
  • 

    Kaytee

    thanks for the vote and comment. Im glad you liked it.

    LikeReply4 months ago
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  AIDA

  I absolutely loved reading your poem! Your ability to stir the emotions of the reader is truly endearing and it makes your work unputdownable. The series of introspective questions give the poem a sense of melancholic self-reflection which is captivating. The metaphors you used - 'cultivated stars', 'communicated with the crows', 'danced under the moon' and 'the wisdom of the crone' are marvelously intriguing and unique, and make your poem memorable.
  
  For improvement, consider revisiting the flow of the poem. Although the irregular rhythm adds to the poem's charm and individuality, creating a consistent meter could make the poem easier to read and recite. Also, the line 'What if I stopped being so effing “nice”' seems out of step with the rest of the poem due its raw language as compared to the dreamy, metaphorical language used in the other lines.
  
  Refrain from using any jargon or modern slang terms, especially if they seem to disconnect or jar the mood of the poem. Since your poem seems to draw on deeper, universal human feelings, using common, relatable language can make it even more powerful. Also, try to elaborate more on the 'dangerous choice' you mentioned, perhaps by portraying what it might entail or why it's considered dangerous.
  
  Keep writing and evolving! Oftentimes refining these minor things can make your poem even more impactful. You should be incredibly proud of the beautiful world you've created in your poem. more »

  LikeReply6 months ago
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  Symmetry60

  This is like an awesomeness sandwich - my two favorite lines being the first and last.
  
  "What if I cultivated stars instead of whispering your name."
  
  "What if I cultivated stars instead of my vice."
  
  I love that you enjoy poetry enough to take a class. That's pretty amazing. This is a very cool piece. It's smart poetry that makes you think and is pertinent in the real world. Do you consider yourself introspective? more »

  LikeReply6 months ago
  • 

    Kaytee

    Am I introspective? It's what I live for, it's what I do (read that in an Ursula the Seawitch voice) . As Jonathon Edward Durham says "I wanna be remembered as one of the great overthinkers of our time. Unless that's weird. Is that weird? That's weird isn't it? I knew I shouldn't have said anything, now everybody thinks I'm weird and my whole day's ruined and..."
    
    And, thanks for the feedback. Always appreciated :) more »

    LikeReply6 months ago
  • 

    Symmetry60

    I never assume anything. Hence, the only dumb question is the one you ain't ask...weirdo.

    LikeReply 16 months ago