Crying Aches

Crying Aches

Songs play on repeat
I’m still trying to get on my feet

Trying to stop the songs
I can’t sing, so it’s all wrong

I lift weights sometimes so I can feel strong
But when the time comes, my strength feels all gone

I hug my pillow lots
I only imagine taking my shots

Doubting fills me with concrete
Drags me down so I can’t sleep

Poems get more depressing
Makes sense since this weight is pressing

Me down under the waves
I lie with my ‘okay’s’

I don’t want to go back in time
But darkness infects my rhymes

I’m just real hopeless
Filled inside with stress

Faith feels like water and sand
Only the crumbs are in my hands

Flow through my baby fingers
As the sensations linger

I catch them before they leave
Like tears on my sleeve

I want a purpose
But first I need Jesus

Nothing to cling to
Dunno what to do

Life is empty
And it will be until I can see

I want to, but then I don’t
I think I will, but I won’t

I know I should
But I know I never would

Know I never could
I want to hide under a hood

I know I should wake up
But by now I’ve been through enough

The problem is me but the problem is
I don’t know how to fix this

I try to trust in God
But it all feels too odd

So I put it back into my own hands
Despite my prayers to understand

My motivation slips away like a ghost
Hope thinks of me only as a host

I wish I weren’t so sad
I wish I could be more glad

Doubting shouldn’t be so big
I’m overthinking this

I’ve got to remember
Faith is always the size of an ember

It can grow but it can also move
I don’t have something to prove

God sees through my lies
He watched me craft my disguise

He knows I’m imperfect
He knows I’m still worth it

But it’s so hard to keep in mind
That my father will always be kind

I’m not all alone
I’m still home

Hand held with another
Closer than a brother

High fives and hugs
Laughs and shrugs

Secrets, jokes and hope
Still with Him while slipping down a slope

Fingers intertwine
He says, “you are Mine”

Set my feet on my floor
Reach my hand out towards the door

Triangle is so strong
With the trinity you can’t go wrong

Hardest winds can push
But not stronger than God’s pull towards me

Knock me down but come to see
Pulling me up is He

Better run and better hide
I’ll hold fast to the love of mine

Whines and sobs may rack and fill my body
Shirt collars may be damp

Hair may be tangled
Hope may lie mangled

Curled in a ball I may lie
Pillow clutched as I cry

Dreams may torture my soul
But I crawl out of this hole

6-26-23
Sunday, June 26th, 2023