Confusion in my Mind

I think about what to say
Oh lord pave the way

I don’t want to misplace my trust
But I gotta tell her, I must

Looking back on what we’ve said
Like when we spoke about going to bed

I worry it’ll happen again
I worry I’ll be back to where I’ve already been

What did she say when we would talk
Versus what she said about her walk

Lord, you know her better than I
I have a reason to be shy

My eyes are blind, so help me see
She’s put her trust in me

Will I return the favor
Will I be the one to save her

The pressure is on
I’m waiting for the dawn

To break
Maybe then you’ll show me my fate

Until then I’ll keep quiet
I just hope that they’ll buy it

That’s what life is isn’t it
All the world’s our stage

Shakespeare was right,
‘Cause we’re all the actors

We pretend
We lie

I might not be able to preform
In front of a crowd,

But I can mourn
The loss of friends

And where I’ve been
But it won’t be happening again

I feel this pressure
My grasp is slipping

And soon my words will too
I just don’t know what to do

I want to share what they don’t know
The things about me, that I don’t show

But when I think
I hear a creak

As fear tries to creep in
Why can’t I be open to my own kin

I think about telling her
But I just can’t be sure

I get scared and I know it sounds wrong
But it won’t be long

The scared takes my breath away
Of the words I might say

I try to take some deep breathes
And clear up my head, that is a mess

I try to think about God
And peace

But a little glimpse of what might be
Of all the things that I cannot see

I feel like I’m a ball
I can’t be it all

I have a hole
The air is seeping out

I need the air to live, to breathe
But I can’t live with thoughts like these

I am overthinking
But if it happens again…

Hurl her into the deepest pit
The one where she has all her fits

Ruin her life
And break her soul

Make her into something cruel
Take away love, and give her hate

God please tell me that isn’t my fate!!!

I know you’re probably so confused
But that’s ok, I’ve got nothing to lose

Fridge! You got me again
That was a lie

I just don’t want to be tie-d up
I have everything to lose

If you could see my soul
It’d have horrible posture

Weighed horribly by the secrets I’ve kept
Mine, theirs, everyone’s

My biggest ones
are what made me so worrisome

I’ll never trust,
Never be so innocent as I once was

The biggest secrets are
The ones I hint at

Too big to show,
Too big to tell

So I give little hints
Little behind the scenes.

I need to say it,
at least to someone.

I barley opened up to my friends,
Now one is crying

She can feel my emotions
And I’m so scared

A year of pent up feelings
And I didn’t even tell them the details

I have to stop there
As she’s hiding behind her hair

She can feel my rage, my wrath
My hurt, my pain, my slipping grasp

She looks up to me in confusion
Pain flashes through her weak smile
I know I’ve taken it the extra mile

I feel so bad, of what I’ve done
She can’t carry it

Reminds me of you,
You’re too young! I tell myself
You shouldn’t have to carry these things

Yes I was young too,
Just like you

When I faced those things
But I carry them
 
‘Cause if I forget
It might happen again

But it might be real
She’s gotta stop feeling the things I feel!!!

Please stop!
Just let it drop!

If I can barely carry it all
I know you’ll break when you first fall

It’s a miracle on it’s own
How I have survived this far

If I was normal like anyone
I’d have broken in 2 days

I lost my friend, I was betrayed
Stabbed in the back

But somehow after 2 days
I lived like life was fine and normal

I had a high with God
I always look back with awe
At the things I saw

To circle back
To the start

The pressure I feel,
And, oh, it’s real

It’s peer pressure from those who speak
So freely
They don’t have to worry.
Saying where they live
Saying their age
Saying the time

I am the one who always see’s
When my friends are hurting
And when they are hiding
My gift is to see

But they can’t see me
That’s the curse of this blessing
But now they need me
But I need God

I wish it were May
Not caring about courtney
Not being sad about Grandpa
‘Cause God was alive in me

I asked for bravery
I asked to be able
To help those around me

I got new friends  
I saw people through your eyes
I no longer needed a disguise

When it all faded away
I though I was insane
You gave me the spirit
Scared the heck out of me though :)

Talking to Jesus by maverick city
Singing all day long
Throwing water balloons into the sky
Not even batting and eye
At those cars rushing by (now it’s always courtney)

Thought it was Jesus
Next was God
Then the spirit

Same thing all one
Boy that was fun
I miss it all

The fun, the running
I was brave and bold
Asked someone to church
I cried that night

Last time was Her
And we know how that went
But she said yes, I was so happy

Gave a girl a note from you
Next time I saw her she had
A cross necklace

You used me back then
But now that hope is gone

Track’s starting again
My friend  quit
My best friend’s  doing soccer
Jill is going to be gone and I know it

I’m doing it for you
And for Julia too

I remember Jill in 5th grade
Making fun of her behind her back
Yet getting angry when my brother stole her hat

Talking to others about
Her horrible outfit
How her dances are stupid
How she try’s too hard

Scowls of disgust when
She walks out of earshot
But I’m a great kid of course!

I prayed for my teacher
So why would it matter
How I treated such a weird kid?

I never thought of myself as a bully…

At Girls On The Run she always
Got the most laps
Gotta be lying, she’s too slow
That’s what I’d say, but what did I know?

She got ten, and I got 4
I’ve seen her run, she isn’t able
I hung her up by a mental cable

Showing her flaws to the world to see
Yup, that was me
Kate, yeah that one

The kind student
Who never did anything wrong!
Sure I had bad grades,
But I was kind and caring

In 6th grade I got this thought
It was of her
I realized what I did
I was a horrible person
I apologized and told her
She could do anything

Next year I see her at track
7th grade, when it all came back
I asked to pray for her, she said no
But that wouldn’t stop me so,

I still helped
I still stayed by her side
Turns out, she needed someone
She asked for help

And I… Saved her!?
This isn’t to brag, but to show the
Things I have had
The things I gave away,

The things God’s still working in me today
She is so broken it hurts my soul
Abusive father, jumps when people speak too loudly
Now a separated family

Her brother, her closest friend
Hours away at college
Her rock, he knows God
But she’s been scared away from that too, by him

Socially awkward, she had no friends
She got Sarah, Sam, and now one more
But she’s at lunch
And she’s hunched

Over her iPad, hair hiding her earbuds
As she slips into the world of peace
She doesn’t understand you
But she needs a new

Life, a new day
Looking down, eyes on the floor
I know she’s hiding more

Ash, laying on the couch
A moment of supposedly hidden doubt and worry
I see it go through her eyebrows, her forehead
It’s crinkled in worry, her eyes show pain

Just a flash, as she lays sprawled
Open for a moment
No one would notice
No one but me, the one who can always see
 
Next she’s smiling at something not known
Split up parents
A house too big
Too much on her plate

She try’s to fill those gaps
Up with unpure things
Her feelings hurt
By the closest ones

Her father, a drug addict
Found wandering the library
Where she is
She doesn’t say it

But I know she wants to see
What would happen
But when she see’s him
It’s just like Court

Pure fear, like a cornered animal
No escape, she changes her mind
She just broke up, in 6th grade
Now she is scared

My friend, her parents are making her a new shell
Now she has a hide hole
One she crawls into when the news turns on
Politic’s is all she knows

No escape, I can’t find the answer
I ask God for help, but don’t have much time to listen

I look at the ‘Poems’ forum
I see what you wrote
We’re not the same
But you hide things

I know why I like you so much,
Why we are such great friends
Because you can see
Maybe not just like me

But you tell me God’s got it under control
That it’ll be ok
Yet, I never asked for help
You know I need it

Crazy, I’ve been praying for someone like you
I was her answered prayer, Jill’s too
Now you’re mine

I know the things you hide
Things that have been done
May not be exact
But I know it’s big

I know you think little of yourself
That you aren’t capable
You are new to this kind of thing

You worry you’ll make a mistake in what you say
You worry every passing day
You are lonely
Your family is all you’ve known

Maybe a few people here or there
Your small group is your home
Without you’d be lost

You’re insecure about yourself
You worry what people will think
That worry clouds your judgement

I’ll end it there too.