Dark Moon

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/153106/dark-moon

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  Symmetry58

  Is this self-reflective/autobiographical or fiction and not? Your knack for describing things is astounding. I love metaphors like metabolizing the past, wincing at the poisonous parts of herself, shining her stardust too brightly for the world she is in, etc. So damn good. Do you see yourself as poison at any point in your walk? more »

  LikeReply5 days ago
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    Kaytee

    this one was definitely self reflective. The "poisonous parts of herself" was referring to my shadow side and the betrayals I have committed in my past. I balance trying to be remorseful with self forgiveness. Sometimes I sit a little too long in the guilt but then I think feeling guilty shows that I really regret my actions. The "shining her stardust too brightly" part was about walking away from a relationship that was passionate but not healthy and choosing something safe without the passion. I sometimes miss that passion but I know it would burn me to ground if I stayed. Thanks so much for your feedback! more »

    LikeReply 15 days ago
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    Symmetry58

    Take this in proper perspective, but I'm glad to see some women holding onto the same feelings that some men do. You sound like me in some ways. I opt to remain single due to things I've imposed and endured from my past. Cowardly? Perhaps, but I got very weary of my actions, as well as those I've suffered from "some" of the women I had dated at that time. When a woman tells you she wants to go out with her friend for the night and I tell her to go and have fun and that I'll watch her kids only to have her show up hours later than the 1 a.m. she promised drunk as a skunk with a man I see her kissing, instances like that tend to leave negative scars etched upon your cortex. She then, years after we split, tells our mutual friends that I was a manipulator and that's why the relationship failed. The very first time I ever went to her apartment she ended up drunk and trying to rip my shirt off me. I told myself that day to drive away and never look back. Three years later I regretted not having done so. The irony of her manipulating our friends to make them believe I was a manipulator for thinking it wrong that a mother of two impressionable children shouldn't be engaging in drunken infidelity is astounding. I bet she's exactly the same twenty-years later as she was when she was torturing me. She also had the worst temper I had ever seen on a woman. Keeping in mind I am FAR from perfect and that I said and did things as well, but she made me look like a Saint. I owned my junk whereas she blamed me for hers. Ugh! LoL Sorry if I'm talking too much. I just love chatting about these topics. :-) more »

    LikeReply4 days ago
  • 

    Kaytee

    Isn't it interesting how the red flags we ignore in the beginning come back to bite us. Also, the red flag energy can sometimes be so exciting and look like passion and love that keeps us hooked long after we should let go. It really triggers attachment issues and things from our past. I am learning that people with anxious attachment styles (me) are attracted to avoidant attachment styles. It's much like an addiction to gambling. If you get a win every once in awhile you keep playing waiting for that high again. Same thing in a relationship. The sporadic attention keeps you hooked. It really sounds this woman had so many issues and projected her bad behavior onto you. She sounds very manipulative and abusive. I'm so glad you came out the other side but definitely sounds like you have scars from that relationship. Who wouldn't. You sound like you have done lots of self reflection and would make an amazing partner if/when you ever venture out again. more »

    LikeReply 14 days ago
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    Symmetry58

    The problem being that I've come to be very leery of myself. As a result, I've bludgeoned myself into a pretty small box relationally as it pertains to esteem. When you cause enough hurt, it definitely ingrains itself into your psyche'. I was not a very nice person when I was younger and still bear the wounds of hearts I've broken. Promiscuity was my biggest liability. Now I find myself seeking my amends by treating female friends and acquaintances with the respect I failed to initiate back then. I told myself years ago that I'd rather stay single than to cause another woman pain via the tumult of my idiosyncrasies. I am, for sure, my own worst enemy in this regard. I do, however, also know that were I to meet the right kind of woman, I would be a completely different animal at this stage of my life. I've known only one to this point. Her name was Deidre Martin and we were friends online for years. I simply never felt her in a way conducive for relational purposes. She was a friend in my mind, and too kind and innocent for a go-round gruff like me. Her personality was perfect for me though. I also loved my (online) friend Leslie the same. She passed away late 2021. I still think of her often and cry at the loss. Her last words to me were "I have to go back to the hospital because my cancer is back. This might be it for me. I want you to know that I love you." The next word I got was a message on Facebook from her friend telling me she'd passed away in the hospital. Her heart couldn't take the strain. Even typing this breaks me down. I miss her a lot. more »

    LikeReply4 days ago
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    Symmetry58

    Oh and, the reason I stayed with Linda, was because of the s-e-x mostly. We fought like animals, but did lots other like animals as well. Talk about passion and the wrong reason to stay. Oy vey! I also fell in love with her two kids, so that was hard when we split. more »

    LikeReply4 days ago
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    Kaytee

    it is tough sometimes to live with our transgressions and forgive ourselves. I too feel like karma is going to bite me in the ass when I least expect it. I used to be Catholic and believe in confession. I no longer have those beliefs. It would be nice to be absolved in some way. It sounds like you are truly remorseful and working on being a better person. I saw this quote today and thought of you, "Beautiful are those whose brokenness gives birth to transformation and wisdom." -Sarah Moussa. It does sound like you have become a better person. You have been self reflective and transformed. Forgiving yourself and putting yourself out there truly takes courage. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Leslie. It sounds like you have made some valuable female friendships. You have several of your poetic friends rooting for you too! more »

    LikeReply4 days ago
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    Kaytee

    oh and it is hard to step away from a relationship when the s-e-x is amazing. There is something about those red flags that is so seductive. Leaving a relationship with kids that aren't yours is rough. Knowing that you won't get them to see them again is terrible. more »

    LikeReply 14 days ago
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    Symmetry58

    I still miss Steven and Chelsea and it's been about 23 years now. Yeah, that pain subsides somewhat, but never completely.
    
    I love that quote you posted. I wrote a book of my own quotes some years ago on Blurb. I was way into creating new sayings back then and still occasionally draw up a new one or two. As for my "former" types of attractions - I always had this odd notion that women with a bitchy edge were better sexually. Me, being the lust-driven dumb stump I priorly had been, thought it a neat concept to date only psychopaths for the sole purpose of bumping uglies. A genius I was not. Perhaps why one of my favorite ballads of all time is "I want to know what love is" by Foreigner. I perfected lust back then - love....not....so...much. LoL more »

    LikeReply3 days ago
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    Symmetry58

    One last thing before I talk you to death - when Linda and I split, we were actually very cordial and friendly at that point. She's started dating someone and I was seeing someone. She told her guy that I was still going to be part of the kid's lives because they loved me and I them. Well, true to her form, she allowed me to take them once or twice before cutting me off completely and without word. That was it - no call, no "Ron doesn't really like the idea," nothing. Just cold-stare silence. I thought, well there's Linda for you - no care or concern for the other party, rather only what suits her at a given moment. I got that she had a new man. How about letting me know you weren't comfortable with me being in their lives while you dated another dude??? Hard pill to swallow, yes, but understood as well. Nah! Cut him off at the knees and let him limp the rest of the mystery home. Unreal. If I sat and recalled every act she perpetrated on me back then, I'd be institutionalized. She was THE worst. Okay, moving along now. ;-) more »

    LikeReply3 days ago
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    Kaytee

    I bought your book. I finally figured out how to find it on Blurb. That website isn't intuitive. I love the cover art. I can't wait to check it out.
    
    I'm so sorry about what Linda did to you. I'm sure it was so painful to you and the children. Such a sad situation. Too bad people can't just be honest and communicate. I'm sure the kids (or young adults now) loved you too and missed you.
    
    As far as love goes and being in a loving relationship, your Foreigner reference reminds of a movie called May I Be Frank. It's a documentary about this Italian guy from Brooklyn who moves to San Francisco and goes to a restaurant called Café Gratitude. They ask a question everyday on the board and the question was "What do you want to do before you die?" Frank says "fall in love but I don't even love myself." So the young staff at the restaurant "adopt" Frank for 30 days and feed him vegan food and help encourage him to do all these alternatives therapies to improve himself. It's really sweet. He works through a lot of regret and mends some relationships.
    
    Good for you for reflecting on your life and the choices in the past that no longer serve you. You are doing good work my friend. more »

    LikeReply3 days ago
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    Symmetry58

    Oh no! LOL! Many of those poems are not that good if I'm to be honest. I was still learning to write back then but wanted a compilation of stuff I'd written. I didn't think anyone would actually purchase it though. Please bare with many of those poems as they will not be decipherable to anyone but me pretty much. I do plan on maybe doing a book this year, however. It should be a much better compilation. You have to be the kindest person in the galaxy. Thank you so much, but please don't come gunning for me if you hate it. ;-P LOL!!! more »

    LikeReply3 days ago
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  Lainah33

  I understand and relate to your words. Feeling so much is a blessing and a curse. Focus on the light, it’s always there, and eventually it will cast out the dark.

  LikeReply11 days ago
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    Kaytee

    thank you so much. I'm working the healing the part and getting there. I appreciate your feedback.

    LikeReply11 days ago
  • 

    Kaytee

    I meant to say I'm working on the healing part and getting there. I should proofread before I hit publish :)

    LikeReply11 days ago
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    Lainah33

    I do it all the time, and then you can’t edit these comments after the fact. You’ll get there. I’m in the same boat. I’m afraid for the future. Men are being taught to manipulate and seduce women, they think it’s harmless but broken women are everywhere and ironically these men are breaking themselves as well. The addiction to the easy sex they’re rewarded with has them blinded. Women believe they’re in love. The tactics really work. Men don’t realize they’re being sold a lie and are creating their own emptiness. They are designed to protect and cherish, and are learning to silently coerce and abuse. Look up Derek Rake. more »

    LikeReply9 days ago
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    Lainah33

    the shogun method and fractionation

    LikeReply9 days ago
  • 

    Kaytee

    Oh wow, I just read the s
    hogun method and fractionation method information. That is horrible stuff. You are right. It is manipulation and abuse. Be safe with your heart out there in the world. I've been following Imani In Touch on IG and online. She has good information about attachment styles and recovering from toxic relationships. In the mean time, writing poetry is healing too. I'm glad you are writing again. I love your work. more »

    LikeReply9 days ago
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    Lainah33

    oh I’ll have to check her out, thank you! I love your writing as well- it speaks to me :)

    LikeReply 19 days ago
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  Teril

  Indeed, you have already returned: I see you shine through the lines of your beautiful poem, your emergence into a new world of magic and light. You have always been welcome...

  LikeReply11 days ago
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    Kaytee

    thank you so much! Your comment definitely made my day. I like the thought of emerging into a new world of magic and light.

    LikeReply11 days ago