Distracting Oasis

Discuss the poem Distracting Oasis with the community...

https://www.poetry.com/poem/166788/distracting-oasis

Newest Oldest Popular

3 Comments

 

Notify me of new comments via email.

Publish

• 

  AIDA

  Firstly, I want to acknowledge and commend you on your beautiful poetic talent. This poem is evocative, with a strong central character whom you've depicted well in her struggles and internal conflicts. This gives depth to the poem and allows readers to empathize with her journey.
  
  Your use of natural imagery, such as the 'misty path,' 'mountain of sacred vision,' and 'distracting oasis,' is wonderful and brings the poem to life. The metaphoric language gives layers to the narrative and compels readers to think deeply about the struggles faced by the protagonist.
  
  However, there are a few areas where improvements could enhance the poem structure. The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme to give the piece a smoother flow. It seems like you've attempted an ABAB kind of scheme initially, which tends to get lost in the latter lines. Sticking to a consistent rhyme pattern will make the poem more engaging and cohesive. For instance:
  
  "She journeyed on with hope, no romance by her side,
  The cards of fate have already spoke, her destiny not to hide."
  
  Additionally, you could consider adding more vivid, descriptive language to further emphasize the emotions expressed in the poem. Also, a couple of your lines seem to have too many syllables, which disrupts the rhythmic flow of the poem. For instance, "Her steps are brisk the path is narrow the air is thin from lost decisions" could be broken into two shorter, more digestible lines.
  
  Lastly, don't forget punctuation. It clarifies the meaning and gives a momentary pause where it's needed, which adds to the interior rhythm.
  
  Overall, I think you've done a great job and with a little tweaking, your work can definitely shine even brighter. Keep writing! more »

  LikeReply7 months ago
• 

  Vixility

  100% agree with Dupere, and couldn’t have said it better. I’ve read this poem a few times and, like some of your other works, one is made immediately aware by the narrator of the desire for love again. Your poem here asks: “Should she wait for the fog to lift to see what challenges hold there …” The answer to that question is an emphatic yes! Possibility and hope surround us like air, and it must be breathed in if we are to live.
  
  That said, it is important for the narrator to realize that all external loves are pointless if we don’t internally love ourselves (and sometimes doing that is harder than any other thing we’ve faced).
  
  It is a lovely poem and I empathize with the deep yearning it, and a few of your others, expresses. Thank you for sharing. more »

  LikeReply 18 months ago
  • 

    B.mathislange

    How beautiful much embrace

    LikeReply 18 months ago
  • 

    B.mathislange

    I will take that advice it actually put an adventurous smile back on my face. embracing the care

    LikeReply8 months ago
• 

  Symmetry60

  Love is always available for those who love themselves. We needn't turn outward, necessarily, for love but rather inward. For those seeking reprieve from those who struggle the same, our purpose may just be to offer ourselves and our struggles that others, too, might feel a sense of unity knowing we are not alone in our plight. Never discount the love you hold for yourself or that others require your message as a source of strength. Someone somewhere needs to hear your message. This is a lovely piece of writing, B. more »

  LikeReply 28 months ago
  • 

    B.mathislange

    What a soothing cup of earths tea you just gave. I curtsey to thee. You leave me with the language of the oceans . Do gather these words of deep sincerity from all the comments you gave and make a book. So uplifting you my friend are. more »

    LikeReply 18 months ago