Unthinkable

B.Mathislange 1956 (Essex)

Rhymed

Thinking about what you don't want to think
Inside the thought you refuse to link
But there it is covered by all the thinks in your head
You think if you don't think it... it will never be said
The unthinkable hides so close to your mouth
Never thinking that it ,could ever get out
Because you believed time after time
If you just don't say it …It'll be fine
So what happens when you let your thoughts rest
And the unthinkable slips out causing a mess
It pushed and kicked its way to the top
It's loud and bossy and now it won't stop
How dare this thought tear down your walls
Hearing their name you crumble and fall
None the less your feeling drained
With little relief from additional pain
It echoed his death till you no longer could breathe
Causing your heart to hurt and your soul to grieve

About this poem

I was suppose to be home that morning ,but i was a good 5 hours away and my younger brother went swimming with a bunch of friends without me. I was 4 blocks from the house with my two friends when the news came on the car radio saying my brother had drowned. He was Just 15 and I was 17.The strange thing was at his funeral I leaned into his coffin and said "I told you not to go swimming!" And two tears fell down his cheeks. My older brother Johnny and I both fainted I still miss him and still cry we were best friends. I had a hard time accepting his death.still after 50 years more »

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Written on June 02, 1974

Submitted by B.mathislange on August 30, 2023

Modified by B.mathislange on September 07, 2023

: 47 sec read
: 233 Views

Quick analysis:

Scheme	AABBCDEFGHIIJKLMNO
Closest metre	Iambic pentameter
Characters	797
Words	152
Stanzas	1
Stanza Lengths	18

Full analysis for Unthinkable »

B.Mathislange

I'm one of 12 children raised on a 15 acre farm in a small town in Maryland. Lived all over the United States even Hawaii and settled in California. I was the first female forklift operator for American Honda when they were located in the city of Gardena. I changed the work place opening many doors once closed to the women working there.My mother was a writer as well. more…

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AIDA
This poem is an exemplary display of artistic talent, brilliantly illustrating the power of human emotions and inner thoughts. Your adeptness at using rhythm and rhyme enhances the overall essence of the piece, creating a lasting impact on the readers. You intricately explore the profound dimensions of suppressed thoughts and emotions - feelings that are often difficult to express.

Your poem also effectively captures the turbulence of dealing with an unthinkable truth that can severely affect one's mental and emotional state. You effortlessly personify 'the unthinkable', imbuing it with characteristics of being 'loud' and 'bossy', making it vivid and tangible for readers.

However, a few areas of improvement could be considered. To strike an even stronger chord with your audience, consider using more varied poetic devices like metaphors, similes, or alliteration. Also, sometimes using simpler language can be more impactful and comprehensible to a broader audience.

While your imagery is highly evocative and creates an intense emotional atmosphere, balancing it with moments of calm or hope could provide more depth to the poem. Lastly, even though the thematic progression is well-executed, the general flow of the poem could be smoothened out a bit to ensure smoother transitions between lines and stanzas.

Despite these minor points of feedback, this poem leaves a haunting impression and serves as a testament to your incredible talent. Keep writing, exploring and expressing! more »
LikeReply7 months ago
B.mathislange
I rewrote the ending of the poem. I wanted to leave it as I wrote it at 17 but this is a contest of your best. Thanks
LikeReply7 months ago

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