Depression

There are times that I laugh and a times that I mourn
There are times that I feel less and there a times that I feel more
There are times that I’m at ease and there are times that I’m at war
My problem is that I don’t have a lot of time
Minutes turn to decades and I have a lot to hide
I use poetry for my pain because I can't keep it bottled up inside
3am up writing
I'm throttled up this time
I don’t like to have conversations with someone who’s stuck in there ways
I just don't think you and me have compatible minds
If you don't think that's factual, fine
Look in the scripture how many facts do you find?
I say a lot but you probably say none
Or sometimes I’ll be in the middle of talking and then you'll probably say something
Your used to debating with people and you probably won
But the person you debated was probably one
But then again what do I know about probability?
I'm the one presenting myself with hostility, really?
Old heads got a lot to say but never let a fossil kill me
Back and forth man it's all so silly
Had to leave religion to get the spirit to fill me
Problem is, I don't know which spirit go in
If it's not of God then it's not your friend
I don't know where the poetry begins and reality ends
I have a hard time believing Jesus died for all of our sins
Hitler, Satin, Osama yo what about them?
Say a quick prayer at the end and all three could slip?
That doesn't add up to me
What does add up is their casualties
Divine providence or divine apathy?
You can beat me with the bile and you can laugh at me
But so many things these days aren't adding up to me
How could God b forgiving if his people aren't?
I don't know where the high horses stop and the steeples start
But that's one saddle I got good at sitting in
I stood out because I wasn't good at fitting in
And I became an object of envy to a whole lot of men
And eye candy for the ladies or at least a lot of them
Whole lot of jealousy whole of sin
I told you I can't keep this stuff bottled in
Is he a poet or is he modeling?
I wore people's opinions for a costume it was like Halloween
It was entertainment for you but hell for me
Got thrown into a spotlight I was too dumb to see
Ran through stoplights I was too young to breathe
And that nearly suffocated me
It's weird to known but known by nobody
Poetry is medicine I never treat this like a hobby
I don't rap, I wouldn't know what do with a beat
I never trapped, but I stay with the heat
And that's not a reference to Miami
Click clack when they threatened my family
And its still like that
Love Jesus but not afraid to send someone to greet him
Be careful because you just might meet him
Leaving comments saying you'll do what to my daughter?
It's hard for me to pray for my
enemies when I wanna see them all slaughtered
I'm constantly under assault but remain unbothered
Without the u-n
People come around me I'm like whose camp you in?
I thought I had real ones til I got scammed by friends
Bad mouth me now but all smiles back then
They always have a way of forgetting all you did for them
My biggest flaw?
Is that I'd do it again
If heaven is based on perfection there's not a chance I'll get in
Treated with respect? I don't feel worthy
I'm only loyal to the people who hurt me
If grace isn't the ticket, I might as well not even knock
When will all of the stop?
Five people in one night had a dream I got shot
Got an email by two and was told in person by three others
No wonder I wake up covered in sweat under covers
I didn't know you could be scared to fall asleep
Nightmares and visions terrify me
I fall asleep and they're there to find me
So sometimes I don't go to sleep
I put my headphones and write this poetry
I have more questions than answers
This depression is cancer
I don't get it God
But that's not my place
I speak boldly in prayer by would never say it to your face
I'll continue to follow but just to know I want to stop
After all you are God
And I am not