Milk & Cookies for Grandma

I spent so many years

making sure that your needs were met;

many times, ignoring things that I needed.
I understood.

You were old and those that are aging

have less time to enjoy their days,

while the younger can wait.

Sometimes when I came home from work,
stressed and tired,

I had to take time to read for you

some unimportant form

which you had just received in the mail.

You thought it was important.
I understood.

Another symptom of the aged.
Nothing is trivial.

Everything has a sense of urgency.



And oh, those Vienna Fingers cookies
were always
 the first item
on my shopping list.

They were your favorite.

I had to make sure that
my little daughter
 was not
dipping her hand into the cookie jar,

so as to not upset you.

I never understood how you could drink

that flavorless Carnation milk,

the one you made from the powder.

But I made sure,
it was always there for you.

When you talked about
how great others were,

because you received a card or a phone call,

I understood.



I also knew how you feared
illness and death,

so I was glad that you were unaware

that the end was so near.

You had so much life and energy.

It did not seem fair to end your life,

before your life really ended.

I sat through many sleepless nights

next to your bed
because
 you did not want to be alone.

Every morning I would wake up

trying not to wake you,
I would stare closely
 to see
if your chest was still moving.



Before you took that final last breath

and closed your eyes for eternal sleep,

you asked me if I loved you.

I stood speechless.

For once, I did not understand.

I wanted to remind you
of how I always made sure 

that you had the cookies and milk

that you loved so much,

but I didn't say anything.

I only held back tears that choked me

and made me unable to utter a sound.



After many years, I think I understand.

I do not blame you
for your nearsighted vision

that prevented you from seeing.

I hope you do not blame me

for my inability to speak,

when I should have spoken.

We, as humans,
have so many imperfections.


I imagine that now you are enjoying
those heavenly cookies.
Tonight, in my prayers
I will remind the angels
that Vienna Fingers are your favorite.