Tiny Hands

I was just 2 when your world fell apart
You cried and cried with a broken heart
From that day forward I would never know
The feeling of safety and love to grow
I’d look at you with eyes full of wonder
Trying free you from the mask you were under
The mask that made everything seem fine
But not everyone knew you were dying inside
These tiny hands reach up for comfort and love
Nothing but silence came from above
I could never figure out why I felt so alone
Why this house never quite felt like home
As the time went by and I started to grow
You kept secrets so I wouldn’t know
As I grew up you put me in activities
So you didn’t have to focus on anything
Sitting on the sidelines spaced out and numb
Every time I looked over I wondered where’s my mom
I started to feel like these things were normal, being alone all the time, and the alcohol poison
I loved that I could do whatever I want
With no parents around  it was a lot of fun
In elementary school I was always so quiet
While other kids ran around causing a riot
I felt scared to let anyone in cuz they’d know
They’d know that something just wasn’t quite right
And if they asked I wouldn’t know what to reply
I always got way too attached too fast
To any female adult that I hoped would last
As I think of it now, it was probably stalking
I just wanted so badly for someone to love me
At the end of 5th grade, I begged to be homeschooled
I just didn’t fit in with the crowd at my old school
It was so nice to learn all on my own
Never have to leave my room or my home
I started to battle with anxiety and depression
Not knowing why and I started to question
I starved myself and threw everything up
It felt way better than being numb
Next thing you know I’m sent to a doc
To get on meds and spill my thoughts
The doc said hey try public school
It might really help, she might think it’s cool
Freshman year I started public
I had so much anxiety
Because I was agoraphobic
Rode the bus and sat behind the driver
Headphones in so I could hide it
Suicide watch and escorts to class
Still no one knew why it was so bad
Eventually a boy started talking to me
Something about him made me feel free
He made me smile although I was nervous
But he seemed to really care
And want to know me on purpose
Eventually he asked me to be his girlfriend
And of course I said yes
Which I regret in the end
Time spent with him kept me away from the drunks
Away from the bully, the neglect, the funk
Eventually it got harder and harder
To have my space, I’d have to barter
It turned out to be a lot of missed work
He said I couldn’t go, I said he was a jerk
Well that was instant regret and fear
As he laid his hands on me from ear to ear
The once in a whiles turned into more oftens
I couldn’t believe what I’d gotten myself stuck in
It wasnt just physically that he had control
He played with my mind so I wouldn’t go
Hold me by my throat, when he was really mad
I’d often have bruises and handprints so bad
Loved to lock me in small dark places
Do things he wanted in all of my places
I was so scared to tell
That they’d think I was lying
But I knew if I didn’t
I would risk dying
After I told
He stalked me for years
I lived my life
In constant fear
Meanwhile the drinking at home continued
Countless nights I’d be up waiting
Just burning through tissues
Between the drunks and my aunts nasty mouth
I wanted to be dead, to forget all about
All about the abuse and the neglect and the shame
I even wanted to change my name
I wanted to be anyone but myself
I wanted someone to hear my cry for help
The cuts on my body just weren’t enough
To make anyone see that life was rough
The attempts to end it all never came through
I’d just scream cant you hear me, can’t God too?
One bad decision, one guy after another
I could never seem to pick the right partner
They used and abused and I didn’t even know it
I thought it was normal to be someone’s puppet
On and off meds, therapy sometimes
I started to become so blind
I never knew what I’d been through was abuse
Until my saving grace said “you”
“You are a walking miracle my sweet”
And once in my car all I could do was weep
I’d never had anyone validate me before
I was always used to a closed locked door
Shut down the feelings cuz everything is fine
When this whole time they were living a lie
It’s even harder now because I stand up to the truth
Even though they never accept what’s true
They still say I’m overreacting or dramatic
Little do they know I’m not the addict
I grew up with a very skewed lens
Im used to playing the line of defense
Im slowly learning what happened to me is true
That you can’t fix neglect with “I love you”
It hurts more now than I thought it would
But I know I need to heal for my own good
I need to grab those tiny hands
Tell that little girl that she can
She can have feelings and it’s ok
To be free from the pain
And love herself one day
She deserves all the love she never had
That one day her life won’t be so bad
They are blind to the impact it made
To my adult life from all the pain
There were so many things that broke me down
I’m slowly glueing the pieces while fixing my crown
Each day is a battle of what’s real and what’s not
I’m fighting and healing with all I’ve got
It’s not easy and the memories hurt
I’ve blocked out a lot and lost my self worth
I’m scared to process, to heal, to feel
The pain of the truth is just too real
I want to scream and let it all out
I wish I could cry but can’t open my mouth
I think if I was hugged and made to feel safe
I’d be able to open up all the flood gates
To that little girl who just wanted love
I’m sorry they never saw you as you grew up
You grew up way too fast
Trying to forget things from the past
The lies about adoption should’ve been truths
It really affected you down to your roots
If I could I would hold you tight
And tell you that everything’s gonna be alright
It will be hard and you’ll feel so alone
I don’t know what healing means
But together we’ll grow