Inside My Head

I dont wanna live but I don’t wanna die
What is life when all you do is cry
Happy moments empty, sad moments numb
I don’t know when this had begun.

It feels like my whole life was always this way
Constantly questioning day by day
Never had time to find myself
Nor to actually feel how I felt

If it wasn’t for bad memories, I’d have none
Isn’t that sad, to have no good ones?
Every event that should’ve been good
Triggered past trauma that left me undone

I try so hard to stay out of my head
But somehow end up there when in my bed
I hate that it happens but it feels familiar
An odd sense of security always lingers

Behind the regret, the shame and the anger
Fear is really the ultimate anchor
It weighs me down and keeps me here
Any sign of a future disappears

I can’t let go or say goodbye
To the little girl who was by my side
Through all of the years of numbness and pain
My best friend at the end of the day

I don’t want to abandon her too
That makes me equal to those fools
I know what it’s like to feel alone
To be a stranger in your own home

Until I can’t, I’ll hold her hand
Keep her safe as long as I can
If I let her go, half of me dies
I don’t think I’m ready for that type of cry