Stuck

I don’t wanna live
But I don’t wanna die
I don’t wanna say my last goodbye
The days are hard
The weeks are long
I don’t know how to keep being strong
The stress is too much
With no relief
My mind and my body are getting too weak
The thoughts creep in
They scream in my head
The only way to quiet them
Is by bleeding red
I know I’m too old
And I should know better
But in these moments
I fail to do recover
I don’t have answers
To why things don’t change
What am I doing wrong
Why is peace out of my range
I feel like it’s me
But she tells me it’s others
Do I choose the abuse
And neglect by my mother
Am I normal or not
Is everything a lie
I ask myself everyday
Am I dead or alive
I don’t live
I just survive
But why am I surprised
I’ve done it my whole life
Nothing ever changes
Everything’s the same
I guess I’m just tired
Of playing the game
I try my best to change my life
To take the advice
And make some strides
It never works out
For one reason or another
Am I making excuses
Just like my mother
I want nothing more
Than to not be her
I pray and pray
I can find a cure
A cure for the way that
She thinks and she lives
Hoping one day
She’ll change just a bit
I grieve for the loss of the mom
I could have had
I mean who has 2 moms
But both are bad
Sometimes I lie awake at night
Wishing I had a mom by my side
Wishing I didn’t have to fight all alone
Wishing that I had a place to call home
But when home is unsafe and
Nothing but toxic
You do everything you can
To escape and block it
Protecting my kids from all I went through
But if I’m just like her, what will they do