I Used to Write in a Book in a Code

I used to write in a book in a code.
I knew the whole alphabet by memory; It’s still engraved in my mind.
From my mind to the page it flowed.
Now this book was a vent book so I talked about myself and I’ll be honest I was never kind.

Now my writings could be as big as multi-page paragraphs or simple one word.  
Straight from my heart to the page.
I would write phrases over and over again reaching out for help but it was always unheard
And the things I was writing at such a young age

I wanted to write in the book entirely in code front to back
I can’t count the amount I times I wrote that I hated myself
but looking back at what I wrote was wack
I remember I would take a step back and say look at yourself.

I’m a mess
Am I right back where I was, that little girl
And let’s be honest I still am and I wonder if I have even made any progress
Going to school still makes me feel like I am going to hurl

And I think to myself, “I am still like that now?”
And whether I succeed in life I doubt.
And I wonder how much missing school they will allow,
And I’m starting to spiral, like I always do, so let's step back and take a deep breath in and let it out.

Life brings pain, hardship and doubt.
But what you do with that is up to you.
And I am not writing this to just let my feelings out,
But I am writing hoping that I can help someone break through.

I can’t take away the thoughts in people's mind,
But I can relate to how they feel.
Because in that deep dark moment you are basically blind,
But being able to see other peoples struggles can help you break through that blindness and heal.

But with all that I have said and with all I I have done;
I know that life brings a heavy load.
And I know I said that I think that I made progress, but I look back on this book and see how far I have come.
And just like that book; from this poem from my mind and my heart to the page it flowed.

Life will always have bumps but at least I am better from when I used to write in a book in code.