Caked Tears

Caked Tears

I’m tired of the tears that dry
On my face after I cry

I’m exhausted from trying to choose
Which parts of me to keep and which parts to lose

Hope sparks in my chest
But then it leaves and I long for rest

It should be before my eyes
But any motivation dies

I know the answers lie not far ahead
But I just want to sit in my bed

I want to give into the hole
I just want to do as I’m told

Do I pray
What words do I say

Do I praise the Lord
Then will I receive a reward

Do I pull out verses
Even the ones that feel like curses

Drowning in the options
Overwhelmed by the toxins

It’s hard to breathe
I just want this doubt to leave

Something sturdy to hold on to
World is spinning and I just wanna puke

I’m sobbing into blankets
Filled with possible regrets

It’s so easy, just pull the switch
But I inside am a snitch

Biting back at myself
Decreasing health

Been thru this before
But fog is blinding and I can’t find the door

Groping for a way out
I can’t cope right now

Do I sing or do I cry
Do I pray or do I pry

Do I ask or do I seek
When will I stop feeling so weak

Overwhelming me by all sides
I’m just trying to hide

I wanna make my mark
But where do I even start

Will I ever be anything
Will I ever achieve that dream

Where am I in this mess
Can’t find myself through the stress

Muffled voices and a jumbled mind
An invisible answer I’m trying’a find

I misjudged my situation
I just want a vacation

I need a break from it all
But then how on earth do I call

Doubts about myself
Doubts about my faith

Legs are weak from this race
What’s happening to my mental health

Breaking down from the weight
Building up like a tower

Knocked down again and again
Was it something I said

A roar inside
Loud enough to make me lie

Under blankets at night
Crying is my only fight

Save me, God
I cry out

More comes my way
I couldn’t hear what He had to say

Stumbling over my feet
I just want a sweet release

I want to be assured
I want to be cured

I want time to stop flying by
Going to fast for my eyes

I need to be comforted
I’m just a kid

I’m just a kid
How did I find my way into this

I want a way out
I want to extinguish the doubt

This isn’t a bout
This isn’t me tryina shout

This is me writing
This is me fighting

This is me asking for help
Because I don’t know how I felt

Feelings slip away
Drugged state makes me sway

Tears blurr my sight
Something doesn’t feel right

I’m at some great height
Lost in the deep dark night

Like a movie I wake up again
Getting through how I always have been

Wake up and move through my day
I have nothing meaningful to say

Go to bed tangled in blankets
Fighting the monsters that were sent

Nightmares that don’t exist
Only in my imagination

But that’s powerful
It consumes my soul

I slip away in a world of distractions
Driving a car with no traction

Views flash from side to side
At least I tried

But I didn’t and man, that hurts
But what I’m going through can’t possibly be the worst

Folding in on myself like clothes do
An actor on stage awaiting their cue

I need a wake up call
Before I fall

I need to snap back
Before the world cracks

Like a snow globe under the water
At first the crack is just a small bother

But sooner or later it spiderwebs
And now I’m asking what God says

But I can’t hear over the rushing sound
Wondering if a drowned body gets found

How long till lost hope and tears surround
How long to this anchor will I be bound

Stuck to the sea floor
Wish I could do more

Feeling so useless
Feelings museless

No inspiration
Is it from a lack of vacation

Or maybe this world is takin’
Another shot at breakin’

Me down
With that weighted frown

Thought I was over this
But the problem is

I’ll be stuck here until I die
They say God is Semper Fi

But I dunno bout that
Because I do a trust fall but just fall flat

On my back, got the wind knocked out
Trying to breathe and shout

But it comes out as a wheeze
As I beg, “please”

But nothing sounds
Looks like there is no one around

I know my eyes are closed and I’m just playin’
But listen to the words that I am sayin’

I need someone to open them for me
All I want is to see

I need someone to open them for me
So Jesus, please help me see

June 28th