Initiation



A wild wisp,
bound by a vile kiss.
A rogue thought,
bound by flesh and an unchaste heart.

The parallax of bliss..

An outcast shut in.
Withering in distraught.
Die blessed, you stand in my cold rot,
Your flow taught.

Beckoned by a teal whisper,
enticing the senses to tame.
Amethyst's fragile wish,
inviting my essence to claim.

Your coy hum softens the core,
irrigates lust, makes me adore.
You dissent yet knead so servile.
Sweet subject, so ready, so fertile.

My Power to poise a psyche,
to hasten growth, or de-generate.
You waste in both pity and modernity;
a Dance of Eternity.

Hold my hand and crawl against the grain.
Surround my ecstasy with your misery and pain.
Hold it tighter and crawl through your shame.
Touch my flare, forget your guilt and blame.

Adhere to me; my servitude of the Bloodmoon.
Rebound your mental plea, succulent flame.
Centuries accrued in its elegant name.
Bask with me, potently; impel and preordain.

About this poem

This poem was written by me: Sorav#8697, in collaboration with Athena#2204 (discord.) This poem is about submission and power and stuff like that... "The parallax of bliss" two dot lines was a big point of contention between me and my partner. Kind of funny when you think about it actually. We had an odd workflow with this poem, going back and deleting whole stanzas and rearranging the order and general oddness in terms of chronology, but I think it turned out pretty well, for the most part.  

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Written on January 07, 2023

Submitted by Sorav on January 16, 2023

Modified on May 03, 2023

59 sec read
135

Quick analysis:

Scheme XABX A CBXB XDXD EEFF GXGG HHDD CDDH
Closest metre Iambic tetrameter
Characters 942
Words 197
Stanzas 8
Stanza Lengths 4, 1, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4

Sorav and "Athena"

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Discuss the poem Initiation with the community...

3 Comments
  • cokerrogers
    Awesome as before. I felt on trial and wanted to sentence myself to death. Great work
    LikeReply1 month ago
  • Symmetry58
    Very nice piece. For a collab it exhibits many excellent traits. It flows well and has a concurrency of same-like styles. There's nothing too push-pull or distracting between the duality of tandems. The two minor contentions I get when reading it aloud are the opening two lines sounding a bit cookie-cutter contrived. I say that not to be contentious, but rather insightful. The other is the tongue-harsh of consecutive "P" as per "My power of poise." It's a bit "spitty" when spoken aloud. Not that it's bad, rather a bit pee-pee'ish, if that makes sense. One of the best features for me, being a HUGE Dream Theater, is the "Dance of Eternity" reference. What a tune, as well as its usage shown here. All in all, beautiful writing from both parties. Props... 
    LikeReply 21 year ago
    • Sorav
      Thank you bro. And I love dream theater as well, glad you caught that reference. Appreciate your detailed analysys dude, wish I could do the same, but I'm still new to this whole art form so yeah. I'll check out your other stuff man. Cheers 
      LikeReply1 year ago
    • Symmetry58
      For the most part most members, including myself, don't critique
      people's poetry. It's not really how the site is run. We simply read and
      comment. We're not here to rip people apart, but rather to encourage
      what is merely hobby for most. Typically I don't critique like this, but
      thought it harmless enough to just mention a couple small details that
      were personal to me. I should have just just commented and been on my
      way. In any regard, excellent piece. I like the images and words and
      wasn't trying to pull you under. :-P
       
      LikeReply1 year ago
    • Symmetry58
      Not sure why it posted all fragmented like this. Sorry about that. LoL
      LikeReply1 year ago
    • cokerrogers
      I dig the "spitty".
      LikeReply1 month ago
    • cokerrogers
      I dig the "spitty". Like "clark kent" . to me its one way to toy with language from a specific point that can reach in any direction like spokes. Your insight itself is a lesson and inspiration not to mention a pleasure to read 
      LikeReply 11 month ago
    • Symmetry60
      Therein lay the beauty of poetry as it pertains to individuality. It's never wrong to be who we are, nor to have our own tastes. As for the spit of "PeePee," - this was an in-the-moment assessment. What I mean is that, at that moment, it was something that distracted me a bit for where my mind was. As I re-read it now, I see no issue with it. As with all things human, it can boil down to a point in time and where one might find themselves mindfully at a given moment. One minute the wife is adorable, the next minute you have a migraine and wish she'd pipe the hell down. :-P I can't tell you how many times I've written a piece only to change it 10, 20, 30, 50 times down the road as my outlook and moods change. Such picky sticklers we humans. I am an ardent perpetrator myself. LoL 
      LikeReply 11 month ago
  • Teril
    Wow! I love your rhymes and your dark descriptions.
    LikeReply 11 year ago

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"Initiation" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Jun 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/148802/initiation>.

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