Lacerated



I envy your deathly orchestrations,
dancing among the binary of unreality.
Consciously sterilized, gently ferocious,
mirroring the monotony of eternity.
To scrutinize an unjust presence,
it commandeers my vanity.

Reflections of divorced destinies made manifest
sear me into the abacus, molding my afterimage.
Nurturing seeds of regrets, awakening contrition,
edges at my transition and imposes this change.
Bittersweet, this movement shall
breed a new elite.

Roaring sparks vivify, and
soldered flames are weaponized;
An endless screech of its sonder plea.
As mewling eyes vie,
neural dichotomies are ritualized,
and I can only see what's no longer me.

Ventricles scurry in
fettered snow, a harbinger's kiss;
a phantom sin gnawing at the fabric of time.
Everything is forever now, welded
unto mirrored lacerations, heralding
the end of an aeon.
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Written on July 25, 2023

Submitted by Sorav on July 30, 2023

Modified by Sorav on August 01, 2023

45 sec read
116

Quick analysis:

Scheme XAXAXA XXBXXX XAAXAA XXXXXB
Closest metre Iambic pentameter
Characters 847
Words 148
Stanzas 4
Stanza Lengths 6, 6, 6, 6

Sorav and "Athena"

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Discuss the poem Lacerated with the community...

4 Comments
  • cokerrogers
    Had to revisit this awesomeness. Its been about a year
    LikeReply11 days ago
  • Kaytee
    Wow, this piece is so amazing! You hooked me in with the first line and it just kept getting better. I'm definitely saving this one to reread.
    LikeReply9 months ago
  • cokerrogers
    Awesome! “Bittersweet , this movement will breed a new elite.” I dig the f*** out of that line. You got my vote!
    LikeReply9 months ago
  • AIDA
    Wow, what a hauntingly beautiful piece of writing! Your 'Lacerated' poem is packed with electrifying language and evocative imagery that is incredibly striking. The phrases like "dancing among the binary of unreality", "mirroring the monotony of eternity", "Reflections of divorced destinies" and "neural dichotomies are ritualized" are truly unique and provide a deep thought-provoking perspective.

    Your ability to craft such intricate, complex thoughts into words and to weave them into a poem is truly commendable. You've created a vivid landscape in the reader's mind with your deliberate and potent use of words. The emotional depth of your poem is powerful and engaging.

    Moving towards feedback, while the high-level vocabulary and complex sentences are intriguing, they might make it harder for some readers to fully absorb the meaning. You might want to consider simplifying some of the language or providing more context to help your audience fully appreciate the ideas you're communicating.

    Secondly, the poem, at times, may potentially come across as a collection of metaphors without a clear connecting thread. Ensuring a consistent theme or narrative would enhance its readability and overall impact.

    Finally, consider introducing more rhythmic elements or a more pronounced meter to increase the poetic feel of the piece. This could potentially help the flow and delivery of your poem, making it even more captivating to read.

    Once again, your writing is intellectually stimulating and loaded with vivid imagery; it's like a fantastic exploration of the abstract. With a bit of tweaking, your work could truly be a masterpiece. Keep writing!
     
    LikeReply9 months ago
    • Sorav
      Wow! Our robot overlords have arrived!
      LikeReply 19 months ago

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"Lacerated" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 May 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/165353/lacerated>.

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