I existed once...

I smoked pot once, I got high.
I jacked off once, I felt good.
I almost killed myself once, I felt...
I have forgotten.

There are many things I have forgotten,
But many things I remember.

Where I am now I will forget...
What I am doing now I will forget...
Where I will be will I remember?
What I will be doing will I remember?

I played a game once, it was fun.
I watched porn once, it was nice.
I had a panic attack once, it was...
Interesting.

I was terrified, what was I going to do?
Will I kill myself?
Will I kill someone else?
What type of person am I?

I was pushed to choose that for myself,
But I don't have myself.

Only they have me.
Only they tell me what I will and wont do
Only they take the influence from those around me

However, the understanding of my potential,
My power,
My strength,
It was beautiful... It was comforting

But I was still in pain.
I was being attacked and beat,
By something that wasn't there

I was trained by things that don't even exist.
I scream at things that don't even exist.
I complain, bitch, and scream at things that don't even exist.
I waste away because of things that don't even exist.
I fear things that don't even exist.

What if the perfect combination of things that did exist counteracted against them?

The perfect smell...
The perfect taste...
The perfect sound...
The perfect visual...
The perfect feeling...

No matter what I do to help,
No matter what I do to support,
No matter what I do to keep going forward,
I come out with the same results.

Fear

Regret

Misunderstanding

And sanely, I must keep going

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Do it again

Complain again, Pushed again, Used again...
Complain again, Pushed again, Used again...
Complain again, Pushed again, Used again...
Thank you beasts.

Thank you so much.
I appreciate all you have done.
In return of my actions.
My horrible, horrible, horrible actions
My terrible, terrible, terrible actions

I smoked pot once, they hated me for it.
I jacked off once, they hated me for it.
I almost killed myself once, they hated me for it.
I played a game once, they hated me for it.
I watched porn once, they hated me for it.
I had a panic attack once, they hated me for it.
I exist, I overcome, I survive, I work hard... and they hate me for it.

I still find myself falling when I get to sea level
Falling to what?
Where is there to fall?
I don't get it.

I DON'T FUCKING GET IT!
WHERE IS THE FUCKING GROUND?
WHERE IS THE AIR I NEED TO BREATHE?
WHERE IS THE COMFORT OF MY EXISTENCE?

CAN I HAVE SOME FUCKING WATER?
SOME FUCKING FOOD?
CAN I FELL GOOD? CAN I FEEL BAD?
WITHOUT YOU BEATING ME INTO THE FUCKING PLUTONIUM GROUND THAT HAUNTS MY HOME?!?

F*ck you.