Numb Emptiness

I just wanted to cry a little
I just wanted to get mad a little
I just wanted some pity
But someone had it worse

I can’t cry
I can’t get mad
I can’t get pity
Because someone’s got it worse

I want to think I’m depressed
I want to think I’m anxious
I want to think I’m suffering
Just so I can cry for a reason

I want to be in a bad position
I want to be at the bottom
I want to be treated like dirt
Just so I can get mad for a reason

I want to hurt myself
I want to work myself
I want to drop myself
Just so I can pity for a reason

I don’t want
But I get
I don’t need
But I receive
I don’t have
But I want

I destroy myself
I let other’s destroy me
I let the universe destroy me
Just so nobody’s got it worse than me

But somehow,
Somewhere,
You’re always there…
To “fix” me…
To “mobilize” me…
To “nobilize” me…

Somehow,
Somewhere,
You’re always there…

You’re,

Always,

There.

I sit in this sticky chair,
Feeling my legs go numb,
Feeling my life go numb,

Numb to the pain of losing loved ones
Numb to the suffering of my own mind
Numb to the reason of basic human emotion

You know what I’m not numb to?

The guilt you fed me when I needed you,
The selfishness of my own actions when it was bad luck,
The hatred I have in myself because of your training,
The lack of vision you have for me because of my weaknesses.

This mind is too hot…
This body is too cold…
This emptiness is just, fucking, right.

Thank you
This pain is too fucking hot…
This heart is too fucking cold…
This emptiness is just, fucking, right.

Bless you

The fire is TOO FUCKING HOT…
My existence is TOO FUCKING COLD…
You ripping my soul out like the monster I apparently created is just, fucking, enough.

I apologize

I hope I can find the strength in me to fight for nothing
I hope I can find the morality in me to respect you
I hope I can find the kindness in me to look at it from your perspective

Because I know someone’s got it worse

I hope you can find the understanding to help me suffer the fight
I hope you can find the satisfaction in my respect for you
I hope you can find the kindness to kill me quickly

Because I know someone’s got it worse