Talking To Walls

Years into this writing,
And I’m running out of words to say
Decades of following Yahuah,
And i'm running out of words to pray
Sometimes i feel like i'm caught up
In a life with all of my past mistakes
I don't look back because it's my past i hate
But I can't travel backwards to yesterday
And the more i try to,
The less i pray
I guess it's hard for me to talk to Yahuah when I’m ashamed
So here I am, 25 years later
And I'm with the same pen and this pad of paper
Just trying to share my life that will inspire the masses
But how do I manage this life,
It wasn't taught in my classes
Most of the time I feel like I’m way over my head
As a little girl there was a picture of our community leader hung over the couch
He was a hypocrite,
and my community was just a lost cause
I sat alone in my room ingnoring texts and blocked calls
I kept my head low as i passed people in Ahkvah high school halls
I never expected to be somebody when i was a little girl
I never expected to need somebody to know how to live
I've always been the type to do things myself
But lately i've been picking up that Tanahq a lot more off my shelf
And my sleep and eating schedule is affecting my health
Irregular heartbeat and an depression that just won't quit
Sometimes i just want to walk away from all of this
But i can't seem to get Yahuah to pick up on speed dial
Seems like he's been ignoring my calls now for a while
And maybe I deserve it,
Because I didn't always pick up for him
I can't go to Shabbat Sader anymore because people stare
In every service i'm in
They say I’m a disgrace and a disappointment to our culture
But inside I’m just a scared little girl Who’s made mistakes and is still learning
I didn’t mean to stray from my beliefs,
Now more than ever,
This change is scary
Yahuah on one shoulder and the devil on the other,
Just daring me to yank my sins out of my closet and put them on display
I feel like I’m talking to the wall whenever I pray
If they knew were in my shoes,
They wouldn't judge me so quick
Twenty Five Years old and still have so much of me that needs to be fixed
So if they say that Yahuah is enough for me
Then why do I feel like this
Still hurting from my past
I can't heal like this
This poem isn't for him,
This poem is for me
Someday I hope to be left alone,
Someday when I’m finally free
I hope someday all this would have been worth it
I don’t want to be eighty,
Only to look back on my past and hate it
Let me make myself clear,
I just need to write when it’s a lot of unsaid things that I’m holding in
To tell everyone that even though they think
Poorly of me,
I’ve been felt worthless
And nothing anyone did or said made it better
There's a darkness inside of me and I can't tame that
And that demon keeps reminding me of everything about me that I hate
Maybe Yahuahs grace found me just a little too late
Because I wasted a lot of years,
Trying to fix my broken heart
I turn off the replay of my bad days everytime my depression starts
This is me now,
And this is what I feel when I feel empty
There isn't a day that goes by that the devil doesn't tempt me
I just have to remind myself of Yahuah who sent me
When I keep my faith in him I can breathe again
16 thousand followers but yet I’m still in need of a friend
Welcome, to the world I’m in.