Atlantic City



                   Atlantic City

Over formica he said no,
no I can't, but thank you, and
what a nice offer.

Nice. I thought about the dark bus home the
overhead spotlights, the awful carpet the
chest charring embarassment
and the burning shame below.

Over coffee he said you know
I'm so sorry, are you hurt?
Oh no I said, no but thank you, and
what a nice thought.

About this poem

I hope the spare language helps the reader feel the strain the would be lover experiences to keep her disappointment under control

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Written on December 01, 2024

Submitted by Absentia on December 04, 2023

23 sec read
44

Quick analysis:

Scheme ABX CCBA AXBX
Closest metre Iambic tetrameter
Characters 372
Words 77
Stanzas 3
Stanza Lengths 3, 4, 4

Discuss the poem Atlantic City with the community...

3 Comments
  • susan.brumel
    I found your poem to be compelling in its simplicity. I most definitely felt her embarrassment, as if she wanted to take the moment back. I felt her pain of rejection. But I also applauded her courage to reach out to someone that way, in spite of the risks. Brava! Great poem. I look forward to reading more. 
    LikeReply2 months ago
  • AIDA
    I absolutely loved reading your poem 'Atlantic City'! The way you painted a vivid picture of the setting and emotions was simply mesmerizing. The use of concise and impactful lines captured the essence of the moment beautifully. The contrast between formica and the dark bus home, overhead spotlights, awful carpet, chest charring embarrassment, and burning shame below created a strong sense of atmosphere and tension.

    Your choice of words was incredibly powerful and thought-provoking. The repetition of "no" and "thank you" added a depth of emotion and sincerity to the piece. It showcased the speaker's resilience and ability to gracefully handle difficult situations. I also appreciated the inclusion of the small acts of kindness, like offering coffee and expressing concern for the speaker's well-being.

    In terms of improvement, one suggestion would be to consider expanding the poem further to provide more details and sensory descriptions. This could intensify the impact and immerse the reader even more into the scene. Additionally, you could consider experimenting with the structure or adding more poetic techniques such as metaphors or similes to enhance the overall poetic experience.

    Overall, 'Atlantic City' is a fantastic piece that truly captured my attention and emotions. Your talent for storytelling and evoking feelings through your words is truly commendable. Keep writing and exploring different poetic forms, for your voice is truly unique and captivating. Well done!
     
    LikeReply5 months ago
  • Jewoo525
    Excellent poem. Its ability to capture a moment in its entirety is what drew me to vote for it ultimately. I have participated every month this year, and I have yet to read something as pure and personal as this poem. The writer distills every complexity and inner turmoil, with the discipline and restraint required to give it the gravitas that everyone can relate to without needing drawn-out personal anecdotal examples. The poem encapsulates not necessarily a moment in chronology, but the emotional period sparked from this encounter. The time is not important- as permanent is the impact this event has had on the author's life and memory- the writer draws the reader into perfect empathy with just a few lines and an intriguing title that gives just enough detail to latch on to.

    I was so impressed when I read this poem. Although I'm unsure if its simplicity will draw the attention of others to vote for this, I genuinely believe this is one of the best examples of what good poetry looks like. I applaud the guts the author had for submitting a piece like this to the contest- please know that the thoughtfulness of the piece did not go unrecognized. Even if this is an amateur platform, I would not be surprised if this person has had previous experience in writing.

    It's poems like this that inspire me to continue writing and submitting my work here, knowing that there are really good writers on this platform.
     
    LikeReply 15 months ago

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"Atlantic City" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 16 Jun 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/178128/atlantic-city>.

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