Tallula on my Mind

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/173571/tallula-on-my-mind

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  AIDA

  I really enjoyed your poem, "Tallula on my Mind". Your tone felt simultaneously reflective and rebellious, presenting a vivid and authentic image of a night of indulgence and longing. Your vivid imagery and repeated reference to "Tallula" gives the reader a palpable sense of longing, adding emotional depth to the narrative. The rhythm and pacing of your poem were effective in keeping my engagement throughout.
  
  Now, allow me to share a few suggestions for possible ways of improving your wonderful collection of verses. Although the tone and the story articulation is quite impressive, there are areas where clarity could be improved. Some of the lines felt a bit disjointed and could benefit from more transitional phrases or elements to more smoothly connect your ideas.
  
  This line, for instance, "No one’s watching, at least we hope", leaves a bit of confusion as to who is hoping and why. A little more context could enhance the readers' understanding and connection to your poem.
  
  Additionally, the narrative would benefit from a more consistent rhythm to enhance its poetic flow. For example, creating a more consistent syllable count can improve the structure and flow of the poem.
  
  Lastly, while the raw authenticity of lines like "Let’s do a shot, And a little dope" are emotionally impactful, some readers may find such open references to substance use off-putting. To cater to a wider readership, you might consider more subtle or metaphorical portrayals of these activities.
  
  That being said, this is an intriguing piece full of raw emotion and vivid imagery. With a bit of polishing, it could be even more captivating. Keep up the great work! more »

  LikeReply5 months ago