Lament

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/172984/lament

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  robertl.92681

  Brilliant a lovely piece

  LikeReply1 month ago
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  AIDA

  I really enjoyed your poem "Lament." The lyrical quality of the piece is truly melodic and shimmers beautifully amidst the profound melancholy and depth of emotion. Your use of symbolism, particularly with references to 'breath', and 'third eye' is vivid and striking, offering layers to the piece. Your sublime execution of rhyming and rhythm also lends a soothing aesthetic to an already enchanting piece. Your play with metaphors is wonderfully cryptic, compelling the reader to delve deeper into the narrative.
  
  For improvement, considering the elliptical and symbolic nature of your poetry, it might aid to streamline some choices to make sure a central metaphor or theme is clearer to the reader. Certain lines are a bit ambiguous, for example, 'Like water over boluder's sea'. Providing a little more context or explaining such instances can enhance understanding.
  
  Also, while your use of repetition is effective in places, the repeated use of 'breathe' might be a bit overdone. Too many repetitions of a single word or idea can sometimes lessen the its impact.
  
  Finally, it might be beneficial to pay attention to the consistency of your rhythm throughout the poem. The majority of the poem has a consistent rhythm, but some lines like 'You're unfamiliar with how well I read' seem to not follow the rhythm as comfortably.
  
  Overall, wonderfully penned! You capture various emotional states, from confusion to longing, exceptionally well. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep on writing! more »

  LikeReply4 months ago