Blindsided

Blindsided

I really want to scream in your face
Tell me if a person can just be erased

I see you struggling and trying to breathe
I hear you calling out to me, “please don’t let me leave”

But sometimes you just gotta
Seal your lips and throw away the key

Watch them scream
Even if it’s really mean

Sometimes you gotta let loose
Tie up the noose

We gone have a trial
I think you’re pretty vile

You lying awake at night
You hiding from a fright

You’re thankful that you’re free
But it’s that thankfulness that eats up me

Ya see, every day I hear about you
You don’t know what I’m about to

Imma let it all go
I’m keeping you up on your toes

Hear me go
There she blows

I want to fall to my knees and point in your direction
But even if I did it I still wouldn’t find your attention

When I speak I’m guessing
“What will get her stressin”

I dunno, maybe if you just paid attention
I wouldn’t have to keep repeating this lesson

And do I have to mention
You were the one who cared

Now you’re scared
Hiding behind your hair

Look over there
At what you’ve created

To you it’s happiness and peace
But to me it’s a monster that can’t be released

A monster called pain
Something I wish that you would obtain

I see you thanking your lucky stars
But sooner or later you’ll be ours

I’ll take you on a scary trip
Be careful it’s wet, would hate to see you slip

Pushing you to the floor
I’d hate to see you say that more

Saying that you’re thankful
Saying how you’re grateful

I was the one who stayed
I was the one who paid

Full price, it’s alright
Because now I’m transferring it to your account

You say how you’re happier
But he just reminds you of her

And she is a curse
When you think of him you lose all words

But wait cause I can make it worse
Because you didn’t put him first

I get sent coded messages
I get sent pleas of help

I get sent all his feelings
I get sent his revealings

He only wanted a friend to stay
And yet you walked away

And what do you have to say?
That a burden was lifted

That kind of mindset is twisted
Why won’t you listen

Talk to me, you don’t know what you’re missin
But just like always you pay no attention

I wonder sometimes if you see
All the messages sent to me

It’s left on public
It’s already published

Why can’t you see
Those coded words they aren't meant for me

They include your name
You hide the shame

Life ain’t a game
That you can play

So how can you say
That’s now it’s all okay

Cause I’m sick of seeing both sides
I’m sick of always hiding my lies

I’m sick of all of my failed tries
It makes me get some teary eyes

I’m sick of the disguise
I’m sick of having two different allies

I’m so done with having sympathy
Everyone just let me be

Just leave me alone
I wanna go home

I wanna run away
Because I don’t wanna say

One more time now
It’s okay, I’m here to listen

It’s alright if you’re missin
All of the signs

You’re believing my lies
Don’t be tricked by the disguise

I don’t mind you talking to me
My eyes are open, I can see

Jesus is there for you but so am I
I can’t take a moment to close my eyes

The world is flashing me by
Overwhelmed to the point where I can’t cry

Out of tears to shed
Done with this numb feeling when I go to bed

Done with the late nights
Done with the hard fights

No more stories
I don’t need the glory

If you don’t leave this’ll get gory
Only God is for me

I stay up later every night
Staying til I see more light

Snuggle under blankets
But really I fake it

Telling God I prayed for
Those people, yeah, for sure

Just repeat it again
I don’t wanna begin

Protect them or whatever
Just send them a letter

Let them know you care
That I’m always there

But I’m not
I’m out of tears left to cry

Don’t wanna give up but don’t wanna try
Don’t wanna leave this place but I don’t know if I can

Face all these monsters underneath my bed
The thoughts inside me when I lay my head

Fighting all these urges
I break bonds in surges

I don’t want to feel like that
You don’t know where I’m at

I’m falling apart every day
My words like glue, is what I say

It holds me together because I believe in fake things
And I don’t think we can see things

Eye to eye
I know you’re shy

I don’t wanna hurt you
But I want you to know

You’re not alone
But you’re the reason he is

You’re the reason he complains
You’re the reason he feigns

A smile when you talk
I bet he cries when he walks

Your past is just like chalk
You can erase it but there’s still a mark

How can it be that hard
I’m just too jarred

I see his response
I hear it a lot

Maybe you like to bask in the warmth
Maybe you just like being uninformed

Maybe you like the peace
I guess that I don’t see

I see something from you
But see the weight they carry

If you saw you’d know it’s pretty scary
You’ve had it before

You tried to lock the door
But it went through your window

Crawled under your bed
You can hear it whisper inside your head

“I’m not done with what I started
We’ll go to places uncharted

I’ll haunt you through the night and day
I’ll scare you til you beg to runaway”

I know it haunts you
But here’s what I can’t do

I can’t sit and act like it’s fine
Because you are hurting a friend of mine

And I’m so done with being split apart
I thought I fixed this but I still have a broken heart

I’m building an arc
So I can sail away

No internet, no Wi-Fi
There’s nothing you can say

I’m sick of my hurt making me hate you
And I’m sick of your side making me lie

Making me act like I care
When really I wish I wasn’t there

Things are too much to take
But I tell you I’m doing great

You don’t talk to me anymore
What happened, why’d you close the door

I thought you wanted to let me in
I don’t care if I see sin

I thought you wanted some help
But maybe not since you aren’t around

What happened, why’d you leave town
What’s making you frown, what’s bringing you down

This distance is making me freak
Feels like my heart has a leak

I’m spilling tears all around me
I am sorry

For making a mess
For making you stress

For not trying my best
I just need some rest

I’m sorry for leaving
I’m sorry for not seeing

I’m sorry for keeping quiet when you just need the noise
To drown out your own voice

Taunts you in your sleep
Pain you hate you keep

Pills you hide
Pretend I just lied

Nope!
Bet you got blindsided

Bet you didn’t see it coming
That why I keep you running

Away
Nothing to say

See the fear in your eyes
You think you can’t take it no more

Well I didn’t either but I’m still here
I’m still battling my fears

I refuse a break
Yeah, it’s all okay

Because I’m doing great
I would never cry at lunch

I don’t wanna be touched
But I just want some love

Why do you think I have three pillows
That I like to hug

You think I’m scared, you think I’m small
You treat me like a bug

You step on me, you walk on me
Go and try it again, I just wanna see

What if I fought back
I bet it’s making you laugh

You think you’re stronger, you think I’m weak
But I am a masterpiece

I am not afraid
Maybe I’m scared, but that’s okay

I know martial arts
So you don’t even wanna start

I’ll knock you to the floor
I’ll pound on you some more

Bloody nose, not enough
How do ya like the punch

Now how does it feel
Yeah I’m keeping it real

Don’t wanna steal cause that’s a sin
But when I look at my life, where do I begin

Childhood trauma
I’m joking, I just like the drama

It gives me energy, keeps me alive
I love adrenaline cause I feel like I can fly

Look to the sky
Don’t you try to poke me in the eye

Because I’ll fight back
You’ll get clapped

Smack smack smack
Talk is all you do

But what what happens if I hit you
Pushing your buttons is fun to do

This one makes you tick
This one makes you flip

This one makes ya sick
This one makes you give some lip

This one makes you cry
When you wanted to say goodbye

I lied
Ha!

I love all this power, there’s more I’d like to try
What happens when you are the one on the outside

Flicking the lever and pulling the switch
Just from watching you, I get a kick

Ha! Look at ‘em go
Man, I love running the show

Now I know things that you don’t know
Sure, I’ll be kind, yeah right!

Selling you out but you’re too cheap
Can’t make some money off of the street

I need to see
How it feels to be me

Show me the way
I’m way too cocky

Somebody stop me
Where is the old me

When did I stop to care
Why didn’t I notice the hair

Why did I forget you were there
Why am I scared

What is this feeling of shame
What do you mean, ‘life isn’t a game’

Because I was just playing
See what I did there

My signals for help they stain the sky
I shoot up a flare

So why aren’t you there
How more obvious do I need to be

Gosh, how can you not see
All of the signs

Are you blind
Do you not care for me

Okay so
I’m letting go

If you don’t want it then I’ll change the flow
I’ll start my own show

(She’s definitely loco)
No I’m not!

It’ll be called “secret club”
Look at the writing I put above

If you can connect the dots
See the thoughts

Understand my point of view
If you see it, push on through

Tell me you do
Let me thank you

Months on end
Crying again

When will it end
When will it end

When will they see
That I’m not the same me

So many friends
So many friends

But I’m not happy
Because they don’t see

Both my best friends
They’re leaving again

Leaving again
Leaving again

Just check the darn club
Making these poems is not fun

And I’ve already begun
Losing control, I’ve lost my old soul

Why can’t I let go
This world is taking it’s toll

12-9-22
Friday, December 9th, 2022