Analysis of Interview with Goldilocks

YES!
I went in the house, I didn’t mean any harm though.
The door was open and I needed the loo!
I called - no-one answered,
what else is a girl supposed to do?
Do you seriously expect me to pee in the forest!

Sure… I shouldn’t have touched the porridge!
I put my hands up to that. You've got me.
Papas tasted like wallpaper paste anyways,
uhhh gloop with a kick - the spoon almost
hit me in the eye as I heaved it from its contents,
spot welded to the bowl I shouldn’t doubt!
I'd have needed an industrial suction pump to eat that.

Mama’s had enough sugar to rot the teeth of an alligator
Seriously - I should sue man! I’m talking serious cavities!
the damage I’ve probably done to these pearly whites!
These are big teeth coming through you know, not baby teeth.
The tooth fairy went ape ! Grumpy little witch!
Refused to pay up after the second one fell out!
so you can guess who's out of pocket now.

Baby bears was just so pigging good. Porridge heaven!
I planned to have a few spoon full’s, that’s all…
but the munchies kicked in and I scoffed the lot!
I didn’t mean it! (she pleads).spoon to mouth madness!
I put the bowl in to soak though -
They never tell you that in the books - do they!
It’s a witch hunt - you can’t trust those fairy tales!

Sure… I broke the chair too!
It was unfortunate it was baby bears though -
they make it sound like I have some sort of vendetta!
Like I bullied him into a nervous breakdown.
It was porridge and a chair - and maybe
a bit of drool on the bead covers, at most!

It was faulty! The chair was pigging faulty!

Father bear used it to change a light bulb the previous day.
Imagine that big lump balancing on the weeny chair!
An unexpected bout of wind would have deconstructed it in seconds.
I probably did them a favour - could have caused a nasty accident!
Well it did! Hey - you think claims direct will help?
I scraped my knee, drew blood and everything…
do they tell you that in the books? I think not!

I couldn’t find a bandage and my head was screaming,
I think I knocked it on a table or summink… It hurt bad!
So… I went upstairs to see if I could find a first aid box.

I looked under Pa’s bed - just a load of bear magazines there!
Ma’s bed was spotless, and I mean pristine!
She should have her own cleaning show on channel 4.
Then, I went all dizzy and fell right onto baby bears bed.

It would have to be baby bears bed!
he cried like a girl (hehehe)
Honestly - call himself a bear cub,
he blubbed like a baby… “Oh… a girl…help…”

So I hastily made my retreat out of the window.
nearly braking my ankle in the process,
landed in the thorns and brambles ass first,
I tell you - they’ve scarred me for life, for real!
I’m gunna have to get a tattoo now - although
my dad will probably pop a kitten if I ever do.

That’s if he ever lets me out this damn house! (scream)

So… They flung the book at me - they did!
Breaking and entering - don’t make me laugh!
The door was open! The chair was broke!
I the victim here! The bear was a wuss!

I’ve come out of this badly - I can tell you
Those bears have ruined me!!!
And I’m not even eight yet! It’s tragic! (sob).