The time has come to say goodbye

Your absence, Chris, consumes me high and low
Beautiful soul, your image is burned into my mind, but even so
The time has come to say goodbye and let you go.
In nothingness, since your demise,
For days and nights and mornings after, my lonely life unties

I drew dark curtains and went to sleep letting still waters running deep
Chasing away all memories of joyful calm, I stopped the time at 5:15 in the a.m.
And on the bed, in fetal pose, you seem asleep until I rushed the room across
I wrap my arms around your head, looking for signs of breath;
Trying to grasp your last thoughts that dissipate unsaid.  

I couldn’t cry; the anger of losing you persists.
I’ve become cold and selfish and cringed into hostile fists;
I wish for nothing and nothing’s missed
Numb feelings chased away the ones I used to love
I’ve found myself alone in hollow walls and lost the way to get out of.
 
I know you wished me to be well, to keep on living and to not dwell
Because your death was never meant to be the final farewell.  
Today, holding my tears back, my love for you will burn forever unto my path
But, in all fairness, the love I owe to Dad, Ioana, and Laura, lollipop
My Christian Ry, before I fall apart, I’m claiming my life back.

Today, I promise to enjoy the memories I’ve left of you
Out in the sun, with hair blowing in the wind, smelling fresh air, watching the April flowers bloom
I’ll tear down the darkened room with heavy drapes, white sheets, and lavender perfume
Circles of happy memories I will allow to make the rounds in my mind
I’ll laugh and feel the rain on my face entwined
Through faith, I’ll reach for God, up in the sky
Now, go and rest in peace, my son, until we meet again, goodbye!

Lidia Cangeopol