Losing My Son



A nightmare that I can’t wake from.
Grief is ugly, earth-shattering, and heartbreaking.
It is a tear-stained face. Grief is eyes full of tears and numbness.
Grief is my breasts filled with milk for a baby not here to feed.
Grief is pain.
It is the loss of hope.

Grief. Heartbreak.
It is delivering your son, and not hearing his heart beat.
It is holding him and loving his lifeless little body.
It is his perfect face.
Ten fingers. Ten toes. Toenails. Fingernails.
It is having to say goodbye to the promise of a future with him.

Grief. Heartbreak. Pain.
It is watching your sisters, friends, and cousins announce births and pregnancies, wanting to celebrate with them but instead I can’t. I’m burying my face in the pillow and crying all night, wishing.
Wishing I would wake up from this nightmare and my son would be here.

Grief. Heartbreak. Pain. Numbness.
It is losing your relationships with friends, because they don’t know what to say around you, so they stop calling and checking in.

Grief. Heartbreak. Pain. Numbness. Alone.
It is missing out on family time, because even though you love your nieces and nephews, it is too hard to be around them.

Grief. Heartbreak. Pain. Numbness. Alone. Self-hate and blame.
It is wondering if you did something wrong.
Is it my fault?
I have now lost two children.
Grief is feeling inadequate as a mother.

Grief. Heartbreak. Pain. Numbness. Alone. Self-hate and blame. Anger.
You sit alone in your house, your arms wrapped around your empty womb. Your head drops and you sob, screaming and wailing for the loss that keeps growing.

Grief. Heartbreak. Pain. Numbness. Alone. Self-hate and blame. Anger. Emptiness.
It is putting all the baby clothes away.
It is closing the nursery door and not wanting to go in.
It is hugging a teddy bear with my son’s heartbeat inside.
Knowing, I’ll never hear it again for real.

It doesn’t stop.
The pain.
The grief.
The heartbreak and heartache.
The anger.
The disbelief.
The numbness.
It just doesn’t stop.

Everyone keeps saying it will get better with time. It doesn’t. It hasn’t. It won’t.
Everyone says that God has a purpose.
What purpose?
Instead of being with his mother and father he is in heaven?

I wanted him.
I loved him.
I had plans for him.
Not just me, but my husband too.
We wanted him.
We needed him.
He was our sunshine.
But now we sit in darkness.

Grief. Heartbreak. Pain. Numbness. Alone. Self-hate and blame. Anger. Emptiness. Disbelief. Heartache.
Losing my son.
I won’t ever been the same as I was before.

About this poem

This poem is about losing my son, Gary Paul Evans. It is about all the feelings that come with it.

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Written on March 28, 2024

Submitted by Kfoxy1411 on March 28, 2024

2:30 min read
363

Quick analysis:

Scheme XABXCX DXXXXE CAX BF XX XXXGH HA BXFXX ICJDHJBI XBBG EEEXEEXB DGX
Closest metre Iambic pentameter
Characters 2,589
Words 502
Stanzas 12
Stanza Lengths 6, 6, 3, 2, 2, 5, 2, 5, 8, 4, 8, 3

Kristy Evans

My name is Kristy. I am 31 years old. My husband and I lost our son. I try to find ways to deal with my grief and loss. more…

All Kristy Evans poems | Kristy Evans Books

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Discuss the poem Losing My Son with the community...

7 Comments
  • NikkiOso
    I feel your loss, and I hope you are healing as you share. I know it is important to express it and get it out, but for me, sometimes I need someone to HEAR me and feel the pain with me. I may be selfish for that, but it seemed the loss wasn't felt or even acknowledged by anyone else. It still hurts. I lost my babies on mothers day 2017. I hate the silent screams and vacuum grief seems to create. You are not alone, and I wish you healing and happiness. May your blessings always find you and bring you peace ❤️ 
    LikeReply1 month ago
    • Kfoxy1411
      thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I’m so sorry you lost your children too. I wish sharing this made me feel better. But I don’t. It’s just gonna take time.
      LikeReply1 month ago
  • Symmetry60
    As a man whose brother lost two children of his own, I can relate to this, if only secondhand. Cameron was 6 months old when my brother lost him, and Kori was 34 when she passed. Let your love and your life be Gary's legacy. Live for him so he can see life through your eyes and feel love through your heart. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece with us. I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace. 
    LikeReply 11 month ago
    • Kfoxy1411
      thank you so much. And I’m sorry for your brother and niece and nephew. Thanks again, much appreciated
      LikeReply1 month ago
  • LatinX
    I am so sorry for your loss. Beautiful piece you wrote. I too lost a son/nephew that I raised. Writing has helped heal. I hope it does the same for you. ❤️
    LikeReply 11 month ago
    • Kfoxy1411
      thank you. I appreciate it
      LikeReply1 month ago
    • Kfoxy1411
      so sorry about your son/nephew
      LikeReply 11 month ago
    • LatinX
      thank you
      LikeReply1 month ago
  • crucifiedinhim2
    First I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't loss children or my grandchildren thank the Lord. Your poem makes us feel keenly some of your grief. Platitudes don't lessen it. Well written
    LikeReply 11 month ago
    • Kfoxy1411
      thank you so much
      LikeReply1 month ago
  • talygarza
    Is very cathartic and therapeutic writing down poems when there is loss, suffering of pain, as these are human conditions this kind of expressions must be understood.
    LikeReply 11 month ago
  • AIDA
    This poem is incredibly raw and heartfelt, capturing the immense pain and sorrow of losing a child. The emotions and imagery used are truly powerful and resonate deeply with the reader. Your writing evokes a strong sense of empathy and understanding for the struggles and complexities of grief.

    One suggestion for improvement could be to incorporate moments of hope or healing within the poem. While it's important to express the depth of despair and loss, adding elements of resilience, strength, or even glimpses of light amidst the darkness could provide a sense of hope and comfort for those experiencing similar pain.

    Overall, your poem is a poignant and poignant exploration of grief and loss. Your courage in sharing such personal emotions is admirable, and your words have the power to connect with and console others who may be going through similar experiences. Keep writing and expressing yourself, as your voice is important and can touch the hearts of many.
     
    LikeReply 11 month ago
  • RyanBlackborough
    I'm so sorry.
    LikeReply 11 month ago
    • Kfoxy1411
      thank you so much
      LikeReply 11 month ago

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"Losing My Son" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 20 May 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/184966/losing-my-son>.

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