Ana

I want to tell you about someone
someone who knew me better than anyone else
someone who never left me
when I was at my worst
all the others left
but she stayed
a humble friend.

her name was Ana
ana told me she would make me happy.
ana told me sometimes to watch what i ate
she told me maybe i should lose some weight
that I shouldn’t finish what was on my plate

ana helped me feel in control
the empty pit in my stomach brought me comfort
yelling, growling for food
I felt euphoric
With Ana, I felt less alone.

ana gave me something to work for
an opportunity for success
for once, i was good at something
though my head felt quite dizzy

it was hard at first
skipping the foods i loved
but then it was easy
the game was simple;
i made sure the number on the scale went down by the week
and then I would cry myself to sleep

Ana was a constant in my life
she gave me a way to cope,
she told me,
she would make life less hard.
that nobody would love a fat girl
they would only break her heart

now i lay
in a hospital bed
a tube up my nose,
I’m being force-fed.