Making and Breaking of a Renegade

A renegade, a warrior, a rebel, a nonconformist
So many names I gave myself.
All I wanted was freedom to be
And figure out what I was.
There was always so much judging around me.
That there was no air to breathe
The only air there was, I had to create.
And for that I became a renegade.

Then I was so busy being a renegade,
That I forgot why I became one in the first place.
I was so busy defying the world,
I forgot to be my own friend.
I forgot that I created so much air,
I forgot to take a breath.
I just went on fighting like I had no air to breathe,
While my world filled up with air I would not take.
I became a bird that would not fly,
Because she was so busy telling others she would not walk.
I became a fish that would not swim,
Because she fought everyone who told her she was meant to run.
Sometimes we keep fighting a war we have won.
Because we have fought so long, that’s the only thing we feel we are good at.
It keeps us from trying out new things,
and proving everyone right after all.
Sometimes we keep running after the finish line comes around,
for we don’t know anymore what we are running for.
We started out against something,
and now, we don’t know what we stand for.
But when we stop running and think,
the past is so deep and buried.
The unfortunate thing is that
We don’t even remember what we were fighting against.
What was the rage for?
What made me a rebel?
Who was I fighting and what was I fighting for?
No memories exist of that - just a blurry fight.
Where I see the disdain and disbelief.
Where I see people aghast and stunned.
I reveled in that why? I do not know anymore.
What was my cause? I do not remember anymore.
I was a rebel without a cause,
to hide that fear I called myself a nonconformist.
But by not conforming with the world what was I conforming to?
I was a rebel without a cause.
A devout without a religion.
I was a traveler without a destination.

Now - I am still a traveler - nary a weary one.
But I may have a glimpse of my destination,
My children taught me to slow down.
To lay down arms for a while.
To be their mother who can love and not a child who will spit fire.
I still don’t know where I am going.
But I know I don’t have to fight all the time.
I can just give in and give way.
The journey will take me there anyway.
But I am still lost - but for my children.
They are my North Star.
Yet, I forget them and hurt them, and break my promise to them.
Just like I kept running as a child - I keep running now.
I want to slow down and spend time with my kids before it’s too late.
I want my children to guide me where I need to go.
Slow down girl slow down -
There are still fights ahead - but now you have a cause - your children.
Fight for your children - fight for love - fight for a life well lived.
But instead of turning the guns outward - now turn them towards your ego, your vices, and your desire to run away from something instead of towards it.