I’ll love you in secret

You’re going where?
You’re joking right?
F*ck outta here
What are you? queer?

Let me ask you this.
Why the starving children?
Why the wars and the tears?
Why the rapists and molesters?
Seriously,
You’re taking the piss

And you of all people,
you’ve gotta be kidding
I know you mate,
you do Satan’s bidding
You drink like fish
and f*ck like a rabbit
And and there isn’t a drug
you’ve not taken to habit.

You live in this doss house
with the rest of your mates
We’re hustlers and bustlers
and junkies and jakes
He’s fucked us all over
so we do what it takes.

That needle’s inviting
 and so is the coke
F*ck it,
Imma speedball tonight
 and pray I don’t croak

Woah.

What was I thinking,
I’m sorry I spoke
The heaven I need
coke and smack can invoke

The party soars like a rocket
I’m dying choking on vomit
These beats feel demonic
I need off of this comet

But the starving children!
The wars and the hate!
Why have you done this?
Did you just close the gate?

My body is wretching,
can’t hold back the tears.
Sweating and heaving,
Surrounded by fears.
My begging and screaming
are piercing my ears.

You said that you loved us
and died for our sins.
So why release
all these demons
to crawl through our skins.

What happened to us?
When did we part?
Don’t you remember
My whispers
in bed after dark?
I promised to love you
I thought you loved me.
You witnessed the beatings
With tears in your eyes
And cried
When Billy Mason stole my innocence and pride.

But now it’s the morning
The sun’s shining through
This doss house looks squalid
But at least I’ve got you

Please help me my friend
To be better than me
The love that I have
I know you can see
I implore you oh Lord
To help set me free
I’ll love you in secret.
That’s the best way for me.

Now four decades later
I sit by your side.
I still secretly love you.
It’s how I survive

              Jed Fraser, October 2022