UNTITLED (DEC '23)

Snippets of memories

Both painful & delightful

Flash before my eyes

I feel both protected & ridiculed

Like the world knows something I don't

And there's a lot that I know

Like that I was supposed to be born a boy

Perhaps a savior

Yet I'm trapped by expectations & coverups

Glossed over details

Southern hemisphere versus Northern

All crammed into one body--

My self.

A long lineage of important family members

Wasted on my body, my brain, my skill, my circumstance

What do the oceans have to say about this?

The air? The earth, fire, and wood?

The metal ore bore deep within the Earth's crust?

How long must I remain silent?

How long must I pretend to forgive and forget?

While hate & anger & revenge brew deep in my chest?

Restless nights spent contemplating starting from scratch

New day, new night, new me, new life

Bending reality at a whim; not my doing

I do odd math in my head

Suffer either loudly or in silence about decades of trauma

Decades of good, bad, and ugly

Culminating into a life changing year

Thinking back to all the signs, the omens

The years spent tortured & beaten down--

I am too strong for this

Too loud for this

No more houses of cards, of glass

You can only hide me from the public eye

For so long

Until I bite the bait

Contemplate destruction of self,

Of people

Of institutions,

Of countries

Or better yet, I'll write a long apology letter

For taking up space sheerly by existing

You'll never see me coming

Until I round the corner,

Pen in hand,

Tip touching skin

Penetrating to fascia

Just like the good old days.

Right?