Confess, O Junkie Sinner

I tiptoe around the shadows,
In the maze inside my head;
Outside I look like I'm together,
Inside I'm cold and dead.

All those emotions, those feelings,
That show humanity,
Years of abuse, of loss, of pain, of sorrow,
Took care of those for me.

Flashbacks to another time,
A harsh and distant memory,
When innocence and faith were pure
Then replaced by misery.

My existence in this universe
A scandal, I would learn
Hated since I drew first breath
Any love I'd have to earn.

The pain became unbearable;
At fault for every crime
I buckled underneath the pressure
Became observer in my mind

The anxiety, it overwhelms me.
I CANT BREATHE, GET OFF MY CHEST!
PLEASE! I HAVE TO RELEASE THIS
    PRESSURE
I WILL DIE FROM THIS BEREFT!

I can feel the walls closing in on me
HELP ME! THE ROOM IS SHRINKING FAST!
i can't breathe…i caNT BREATHE…I CANT BREATHE
HOW DID I SURVIVE THIS IN THE PAST?

That's when I reached and touched the darkness,
To find reprieve from all the pain.
I felt unworthy to be saved by God;
Letting evil have it's claim.

It started as a means to cope,
Quell the static in my brain.
The thoughts were overwhelming;
Impossible to maintain

I was watching my world crumble;
Chaos causing the collapse.
I've exhausted any plans or schemes.
The alone I couldn't grasp

Unable to bear the pain,
I retreated deep inside my mind.
I lost sight of who and what I was.
My soul, I left behind.

I made a decision to numb the grief
With the help of tiny shards.
The chances of true happiness
Just wasn't in my cards.

Immersing myself in a cloud of smoke
From euphoric crystal rocks
My sanity dwindled rapidly.
Lost in my paradox.

Humanity just wrote me off,
My cries for help ignored.
I mean, who wants to save the "crazy girl?"
My existence was abhorred.

I sank deeper and deeper into the pit
Of addiction, lies, and shame.
I lost everything I ever loved;
Putting a stain upon my name.

The only normal I knew anymore
Was a torch beneath the glass,
It was as if the clocks quit working right
And time refused to pass.

Wake up, hustle;, work, work, work
For next to nothing in return.
Just to use almost all my profit
Towards another bowl to burn.

I became a slave to these crystal imps,
Forgetting I should pray.
My anger had consumed my being;
Woke loathing everyday

Where are you God? You seeing this?
I'm drowning in my sorrow!
Why won't you intervene somehow?
Save me for tomorrow?

Consumed with all my grief and guilt,
I denied any signs from Him.
How could he plan this life for me?
Watch me drown myself in sin?

Little did I understand
How wrong that choice would be.
He wasn't the one to blame at all;
Instead he was the key!

My induction to addiction
Was euphoric and detached,
For the first time in forever
I was happy and I laughed!

My Rhapsody was short lived.
The high came crashing down.
Paranoia sunk it's teeth in me;
Fear started my breakdow.n

I started believing in my demons.
The evil was consuming; it was real,
My mind became a slave to them,
Confusing how to feel.

I started seeing enemies
In every person's face.
Burning every bridge I'd built;
My heart, a hateful place.

I couldn't grasp that my alone
Was caused by none but me.
I'm the reason they turned their backs!
My blame was hard to see.

My thoughts were uncontrollable,
Consuming all my being.
To escape I started mutilating
This body that you're seeing.

With every hurt and every pain,
Id grab any knife near me.
Id cut, and slice, and cut some more,
Until my arms were like confetti.

My flesh would lay in ribbons;
The knife falls onto the floor
I'd pray for this to be the end,
I couldn't take it anymore.

But, alas, this wouldnt be
The tale of my demise.
Instead I'd lay there weeping,
shame shadowing my cries.

Who is this person? This monster ?
The girl inside my mirror?
When did she give up everything?
Succumbing to her fear?

When will I find the me I was
So many years ago?
The girl who didn't cut or cry
Or do drugs to sate her woes?

The God I’d shunned, he let me fall
Hard upon my knees,
To learn of this requirement
If I ever wanted peace.

I had to strip completely naked,
Bare my heavy, dirty soul;
Come face to face with all my ugly,
Relinquish all control.

That's when I found salvation,
From the fear and tiny shards.
Only full submission
And releasing all my guards.

I know what i must do;
And I have to do it all alone.
The Lord let me fail completely,
To become one of his own.

I have hence renewed my promise
To be a vessel for His will.
I'm trying to clean inside myself
So his blessings I can feel.

I haven't finished my journey yet;
In fact, it's just begun!
I'm learning how to love myself,
And be a mother to my son.

Anointed in the blood of Christ
My mission, crystal clear.
To spread the joy of God's forgiveness
His love casts out any fear!

So once a junkie sinner girl
Had to admit that she was wrong.
I didn't need any person's help!
God was right there all along.