Trying To Live With Myself...

To say that I've had a rough couple of years would be an understatement,
My health has completely turned on me just to give you a hint.
First I kept collapsing not really knowing even when or why?
Found out it was my testosterone, two pumps daily I have to try.
Since September two years now I was in and out of the hospital seven or eight times,
After seeing doctor after doctor they left me with really no reasons or rhymes.
I've collapsed on my new wife more times than I can even remember,
It's been not only a rough honeymoon, but a living hell since September.

Every time I went to a different doctor they said a different thing and put me on a new med,
After over a year of this they had me thinking I was losing my mind and falling out of bed.
Doctor after doctor gave a different diagnoses and a different medication again and again,
Till I was on so many dangerous mind altering drugs all I could do was lie in the floor crying and watch my head spin.
I got so sick that I lost thirty pounds one time in less than two weeks time,
I was so weak from throwing up that it should have been a crime.

My wife and I have heard it all from PTSD, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, to seizures and more,
With all of the medications I've been on everyday for all of this time I could buy a drug store.
After almost two years my wife, God bless her, has stayed by my side with unconditional love and support,
That's been a God send to me for the first time in my life - that to me is going way beyond a good sport!
I've lost the ability to work because my body is just too beat up to be able to do what I once could,
To say it's been hard on my wife is an understatement and it's not been fair or good.

I've learned the hard way that not all doctors or nurses can be trusted at all,
They will lie to you, betray you, give you the wrong diagnoses, and tell you it's all mental - it's all in your head - that's the wrong call.
I even had a professional nurse take advantage of me at my weakest point,
She twisted my story around so far from flu to suicide attempt - I got sent to a loony joint.
While in there they took away all of my medications which sent me into a mental tail spin,
They played with my mind - that was a sin!
I will never forget the horrors from that place, certain staff would be staring at you while taking a shower,
Looking at my naked body like they wanted to do all kinds of sick ass things to you for days - not just an hour.

I'm so thankful to God and to my wonderful wife that she was able to get me out of there alive but not well,
I still have nightmares about that place and some of those people as if I spent the night in the real place of Hell.
I took myself off of all of the drugs that they had me on which sent me into quite a tail spin,
But it helped my wife and I get me straightened out and I thank God for her everyday - with her no matter what - I win.

She has seen me at my best and she had seen me so far beyond my worst even I couldn't look at myself,
But she stood by my side with unconditional love and 24 hour care and not once did she put my love on a shelf.
My wife is by far the most Godly and loving woman I have ever known in all of my life,
And thou I will never know what she sees in me - I'm so thankful to God for allowing me to have her as my wife.
My wife is very smart with money and is the smartest woman I've ever known when it comes to medications  - she has saved my life.
She has taken the time from her life to not only get my medications almost perfect for me,
She has also put her money where her mouth is and used it to right a lot of wrongs for me can't you see.
No one in my fifty three years has ever loved me the way she has and I wouldn't trade her for anyone or anything,
She is the very best thing that has ever happened to me and my life and I love her with not just my heart - but everything.

I still have the tremors in my hands and legs and all of the pains in my head, neck, and back,
But I know my wife wouldn't trade me for anything in this world and that means everything to me Jack!
Even when I have one of these seizures, she stops whatever she is doing and stands by my side helping me thru,
That's what I call the best wife I have ever had and the best woman I have ever known - and that is a love so true.
She's helped me believe in myself in ways I never knew I was capable of ever before,
She's set and talked with me about my short comings and my strengths and never showed me the door.
I owe my life to her and I trust her with it everyday that God gives me another day with her,
I wouldn't trade her for all the sexist girls in the world or all of the money in the world either - that's for sure!

I know this isn't how I had pictured it or planned it - my dream was to take care of her and treat her like a queen,
But it just goes to show you that life sometimes deals you really bad cards - and that's fucked up and mean.
Boogy - You're my angel sent to me when I was only seven years old,
And I love you with all that I am, and all that God will ever let me be - and I will never treat you cold.




Today I go in for my first Colonoscopy at the age of fifty-three and I'll admit that I'm truly scared and unsure,
I've never been thru one so I don't know if what they might find there'll be a cure.   
So Lord if you're listening and can hear what I'm saying to you from my heart,
Please let me be 100% cancer free and live happily ever after with Boogy by my side - like it should have been from the start.
In Jesus name I ask this from you God even thou I know you don't owe me anything,
Please give me twenty more great years with my wife, Boogy - because to me - she is my everything.
In Jesus mighty name we ask this prayer...and all God's people said...Amen!

June 30, 2016 1:49am


Epilogue:
I'm cancer free! Thank You Jesus!