Not A Heavenly Father

In the back of my mind this story starts around the young age of four,
My father was left in charge of me - even what he did behind a closed door.
He would wait till my mother left or went to bed and then he would enter our room,
Naturally I was asleep but I still remember the details of the doom.
He would pull away the covers and then pull my PJ bottoms down,
Exposing my naked bottom then he would start rubbing me like an evil clown.
He would rub my naked bottom with one hand and grab my penis with the other,
While I was laying there half naked - he would do the same with my half brother.
He would get my half brother's penis erect by rubbing it in his hand,
And since we shared the same bed - he put my half brother I behind me at his demand.
Then he would make my half brother shove his erect penis into my butt and it hurt,
I would start crying and black out - sometimes covering my head and crying with my shirt.
My father had his finger pushed deep in my half brother's butt pushing him inside of me,
I was crying and shaking so I covered my head so I didn't have to see.
While this was going on my half brother was rubbing my penis to make it big,
My father forcing my half brother to f*ck me while he watched smoking a cig.
If we tried to fight back my father would beat us and smack us in the face,
What I was put thru happened for years without any saving grace.
Then my father bathed us always making sure to lock the bathroom door,
Sticking his fingers in our butts and rubbing us until we had cum on the floor.
During the baths he did this by making us hard by rubbing away,
And if we didn't do what he wanted exactly - he would beat us until the next day.
The tears never stopped him - the crying for us only made it worse,
He beat me a couple of times so bad we almost needed a hearse.
The years went by and by now I was 7 or almost 8,
The sexual abuse was getting more frequent and the more I began to hate.
By now it was sometimes hourly - or twice or more a day.
I just wanted to be a regular kid and go outside and play.
As my half brother got older he took over most of the sexual abuse,
It got worse and rougher with him as he raped me over and over my hands tied by a noose.
As I'm tied to the bed he was shoving himself harder and harder inside of my butt,
It did no good to scream because he had taped my mouth shut.
He did this to me almost every day for several years,
I got so numb to the pain - I no longer could shed tears.
This is the times I began to runaway,
But it would do no good - they would just hunt me down and drag me back the next day.
Then the sexual abuse started all over again and became an everyday attack.
By now I was almost fourteen and one day I just ran as fast as I could away,
But this time was different - I never went back - never again the abuse I have to pay.
I lived in the streets and survived by eating out of the trash,
I didn't have any choice I was too young to work and I had no cash.
I slept under bridges covered up with whatever I could find,
I'm surprised I survived it without freezing off my behind.
I didn't care it was better then the beating and all of the abuse,
For the first time I felt like I was free even if I had to sleep in a caboose.
I found on the streets a lot of kids who were just like me,
They had been abused so bad a couple of them were blind and couldn't see.
Some of the kids I had known out there froze to death - some died from no food,
I started to hate this God I heard about - how could he be so hateful and crude.
I lived on the streets for roughly two years or so and then a friend gave me a place to stay,
I never forgot the kids I knew from the streets - I still think about them even today.



(From the ages of 4 until I was 14 I suffered at the hands of my father and half brother,
many forms of sexual abuse and beatings, many concussions, anal tears, injuries to
my bowels, numerous bruises and lacerations to my face, back, legs, and body. Due to my Parents trying to hide the abuse I was moved from many different schools and neighborhoods.
I was never taken to the hospital by my Parents for treatment from any of the abuse or severe
beatings. I wasn't even so much as taken to an ER to be checked out to see if I was OK or not.
I was even stabbed in the back one night with a butcher knife trying to protect my mother from
being stabbed by my father. I shoved her out of the way and he stabbed me instead. But again, I was not taken to the hospital for my injury thou my mother did the best she could to tape shut the wound. My father nor my half brother have ever faced criminal charges for what they did to us littler kids or my mom all of those years. My mother completely drank and smoked herself to death, she passed away in 1995 at the age of 54. My father lost everything he had, all of his thousands of dollars he had stashed from my mom while we were barely eating as kids growing up, he lost all of everything he had and ended up in a state run nursing home all alone where he starved himself to death in order to end his own life in 2013, he died at the age of 74. Thou my mom never had the courage to stop my father - he was stopped later in life. I forgave my mother
for not protecting me as a child from their harm. My father I forgave because I had to - to be the Christian I am today, but I still carry internal and mental scars. My half brother is in his late 50's now and has been a drug addict and alcoholic all of his life and looks like death warmed over. I have forgiven him for his parts he played in the abuse, because as a Christian now I have to, but sometimes I still have the bad nightmares even to this day, and I'm 53 years old now. You'd think
with what I've been thru I would hate the world or be an abuser myself, but I chose another path. I lifted it up to God and asked his forgiveness and begged him to never let me turn out to be anything like my father or half brother and God has kept that promise to me now since I was 14 years old. I have my struggles, I suffer from PTSD, seizures, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, brain damage from the over 12 concussions I suffered at the hands of my father, the cause of the seizures. But I'm on medication and it is working and soon I hope to be back at a church I feel safe in soon. I've been to too many a Church where people judge you for whatever they feel the need. But I know we serve a mighty God who will lead me to the right one. I made it thru and survived by the grace of God all that I went thru as a child and I know now it wasn't my fault.
It was just one of those things that happen sometimes to God's children and I have known and met and buried kids who went thru worse then me. So if your going thru any kind of abuse, Do Not Be Afraid...tell anyone and everyone you can and get out of it and get it stopped and get the right treatment to help you deal with it as I have had to do, trust me when I tell you it will save your life and set you free from the guilt. You Are Not To Blame And You Are Not At Fault!
I made it out and survived and you can too! I'm living proof you can change your life and choose
not to be an abuser! Yes we all battle as victims of abuse in some way or another, but thru the saving grace of our loving and forgiving God...Happiness and a new life can be found! I'm living proof...THERE IS A GOD!)