The Dad I Never Had...The Beast Within

I know I have spoken of my father in some of the poems you read already,
But there's another story I need to tell and that's how he was mentally not steady.
My father was diagnosed when I was later in my teens with the following list of issues,
He was diagnosed with the following: Paranoid  Schizophrenia With Violent Outbursts - Manic Depressive - Schizoaffective Disorder - Paranoia and Delusional Disorders - Antisocial Personality Disorder, Conduct Disorder - Satanic Driven Sexual Exploitation Involving Children - Dissociative Disorders - Personality Disorders - Cyclothymic Disorder - Bipolar I Disorder but please don't break out any tissues.
My father went for years untreated and using all of his out of control ways to scare us as a kid,
We lived everyday of our lives watching him explode in rages and witnessed the things he did.
From kicking and beating our family cats, dogs and horses to kicking chickens across the farm,
Taking his gun and making us kids watch as he shot the neighbors cat to death  causing us serious scared to death of him harm.
From the age of five or six he made me start to work on the family cars - taking out spark plugs, cleaning them with gasoline, re-gapping them and putting them back in the vehicles - if I messed up he would drag me out of the engine compartment and beat me with wrenches used on big rigs,
This was normal behavior for him on any given day we were terrified of him even as his own kids.  
I remember one time we a Big Orange Tom Cat he looked just like the Morris cat on TV,
It scratched my father and he picked it up and ripped it's head off of it's body and threw the pieces into the front yard right in front of me.
He would beat my mom with his fists until she was covered in blood even thou we tried to stop it,
But whoever of us got involved he would grab us up one by one and beat us until we couldn't even move - he never shed a tear or gave a shit.
He told us growing up how much he hated the day we were even born and that he wished we were dead,
And that if we ever spoke a single word about what happened in HIS house he would take a rock and bash in our head.
Because of his out of control behavior - we had to move all the time as we were growing up sometimes every few years and one time we only lasted at a house a week,
It was just the way it was with him around you were to be seen but never allowed to speak.
My dad was this way to most people he ever came across - he just seemed to hate the whole world  and everyone in it,
If you didn't like the way he was there was not much you could do or say - he'd just tell you straight to your face - I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
My mom helped my dad get and draw checks from SSI because no one would hire him the way he was - he was feared by all,
He never helped my mom with the bills, food, or anything - he stashed his money behind the door of his paddle locked wall.
He had his room in the houses we lived in and in it we were not allowed at any time night or day,
He kept it locked all of the time unless it was time for him to sleep then he went in - closed the door and would stay.
He would make my mom make two meals every time she cooked - one was for him and one was for us kids and my mom,
We would be eating beans and cornbread while he was eating steak and baked potatoes, green beans like he was the bomb.
If we dared ask for a bite he would slap us out of our chairs and into the kitchen floor we would fly,
He had cupcakes, bear claws, cinnamon rolls, chocolate milk, you name it - but he would eat or drink it right in front of us and we knew better to ask for any of it because if we did - we would die.
One Thanksgiving I remember this well he got sick and had to be rushed to the hospital and was admitted on the ICU floor,
My mom came home and told me and my older half-brother to bust off the lock on his bedroom door.
My mom had begged, and borrowed and could barely keep us kids fed - she found this metal lock box hidden under my dad's bed,
She brought it into the living room and set it on the coffee table and busted open with a hammer - money came flying out all over the room hundred dollar bills landed everywhere - we got scared and said mom he will kill us all - she just looked at us and said - not this time or he will end up dead.
She took it and counted it up and there was over seven thousand dollars there - she said I'll be back you all stay here - we ask - where are you going - she said I've got bills to pay!
Our dad came home from the hospital he had his appendix taken out and was very weak - when he saw his door he started to get pissed so my mom ran in and grabbed the rifle off of the shelf - she pointed it at him and said you Selfish Son Of A Bitch - if you say one single word - right there dead you will lay!
All my dad ever cared about was his stash of money and all the new furniture and clocks he had stacked up in his room,
he never cared or loved any of us kids - we were just targets for his anger and victims of his doom.
My dad ended up loosing everything he had, all of his furniture, expensive clocks, and all of his money was no more,
The State Of Kansas took it all away from him as he ended up in a nursing home where he starved himself to death - broke - alone - with none of his kids by his side - he died with his eyes open staring at the door.




(Thou my dad was diagnosed with all of these disorders and put on medication to keep them under control he chose not to take any of the medication basically letting all of his disorders run wild. My dad never did face any charges for any of his abusive ways whether it was in the case of my mother, any of us kids, or the endless number of animals he tortured, killed or simply made us kids watch as he dumped them off on the side of the road and abandoned them there and drove away as we were crying. My dad never did believe in God or Jesus or anything like that. So I know that he is where he needed to be all of his life - in living and real Hell. He told us often that he was God and or Satan himself and that he would kill any of us anytime he felt like it and make another one just like us - didn't mean a f*ck to him! My dad was never there for any of us kids and when he was - he made us wish he wasn't at all. My dad died June 20, 2013 in a nursing home in Kansas City, Kansas. While he was there he tried to rape two different nurses and was so prejudice that he started fights with any black people that were there or anyone who wasn't all white. Which we as his children thought was just more of his ignorance because he was in fact half Italian and half White himself. When my younger brother was going thru my dad's wallet he found a membership card that my dad had evidently had for years as a member of the KKK. None of us kids were shocked and burned it and threw it into a trash can outside of the nursing home. None of us kids shared in his beliefs. In fact I myself pushed myself all of my life to be everything that he never was capable of being - a God fearing Christian Man who honestly has done everything I could all of my life to help anyone I've ever come across that needed the help no matter what the situation might be and even thou it has caused me to be personally used, abused, and taken advantage of all of my life - I will still try to help people if I can. I have made many mistakes as a father and step-father to my daughter step-children and have admitted that in fact I had failed them in many ways as their father and step-father partially because I was never shown what a Good Father was supposed to be like - I tried to teach myself right from wrong as a kid living on the streets and in doing so was wrong most of the time much to my regret, but I've never stopped trying to make up for it. I never had a dad here on earth and I still catch myself looking for that Father Figure even as a grown 53 year old man today - because I never had that growing up. I do however have a Heavenly Father who loves me dearly and watches over me has forgiven me and has blessed my life in ways I never dreamed were possible or that I ever felt I deserved.)