IMPRINTED SCARS

IMPRINTED SCARS

"I'm sorry" I screamed as my voice echoed through the tops of the mountains. It's just a year yet everything seems like yesterday. I let him go yet he still lives rent free in my heart.
Love had come knocking on my door during summer and I embraced it with all that was inside of me. As I sit on my bed going through our pictures, reminded me of indelible memories and I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned quickly hoping he was the one but my face fell seeing the furs of my pale looking kitten whom I had starved while in my feelings. I hated how it reminded me of how I walk by his side in my flowery printed skirt he had got me and a knitted top to grace it, with my head resting on the comfort of his shoulders while he takes my arm and guides me across the streets taking a stroll to the beach.
Then I stumbled on a picture we had taken on one of our visits to the beach. "I remember" I said to myself amidst tears. We stood watching the boats tossing around on an endless sea of waves, heading for a distant shore, the breeze blew and my hair ruffled with the breeze brushing his face, arousing his senses and leaving him thoughtful. I tucked my hand against his as my thoughts wandered away to forbidden realms. He sent me a smile that gave me the warmest feeling ever, more than a summer heat wave and I begged a young lady passing by to capture the moment.
I held the picture close to my heart, shut my eyes and let my rivers flow, everything happened so fast.
Winter came and my heart grew cold and weak. Even his smiles couldn't keep me warm. I had sent him a text the previous night that I wasn't even sure about and he rushed to my house in no time like a superman ready to save our love. He got tired of pleading with me to change my mind and he decided to leave. I watched him walk through the door in pains and a flicker of sadness in his eyes that picked my interest. I wanted to call him back but pride shut me up and I let him go and then it dawned on me that I made the worst mistake of my life. I loved him so dearly. Never did I ever think,I'll let him go but I just did.
It's been less than three weeks and on a fateful morning while I sat by the fire place to keep warm, my phone beeped. I got up to get my phone only to see the most scary text I had see all my life. "Nuel is on his deathbed and he wishes to see you" underneath the text was the location of the hospital. I felt a sharp pain go through my spine.
My love on a deathbed? How is that possible?
I got ready in less than two minutes not minding how I looked and I drove to the hospital. I pulled a chair beside his bed and sat shaking as I held his hand. The nurse whispered in his ears and she left. He tried to turn……
"Do you need help?" I asked, leaning closer.
He opened his misted eyes gently "No" he replied. His voice sounded hoarse and strained. I listened to his struggling breathing, my heart in my throat, all I could do was send a prayer heaven ward. As my amen flew into the air, he broke the silence.
" I prayed for a backbone and God sent you to me. You filled the vacuum I thought would never be filled. Thank you for bringing sunshine into my gloomy life. But just when I thought you'll stay forever, you disappeared. Just when I thought the injury had been healed and closed, little did I know, it's been opened in double folds. I do not want to die with grudges and pains in my heart. Christy, I forgive you. I'm tired and I'm ready to go home"
"No please……." The words hung in my throat as I fought to hold back my tears
"Nuel, I'm sorry I hurt you, I love you. Please not now. I'm sorry…"
"Save your strength christy. I know you love me. I love you more than you can ever imagine. I want you to be happy when I'm gone christy"
"How can I be happy?" I asked letting the tears flow freely down my cheek. He took my arm and kissed my fingers and his hand fell. I shaked him hoping he did respond but it seems what I feared the most had happened. I dashed out of the room hurriedly to get the nurse and she came in with me. She checked him and shook her head as she covered the blanket over his face.

"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust"
The pastor's voice carried on the breeze as he sprinkled Nuel's casket with earth. He prayed for his soul and his grave was covered.
It's one year today and I am yet to forgive myself. I dropped the pictures on the table and stood in front of my mirror. Each day as the sunrise, I go to the mirror hoping to see a new me but all I see is a reflection of my broken heart with scars imprinted on it by myself. I wished the hands of clock will turn back so I could correct my mistakes but it never did. The clock kept ticking and went forward. I lived with guilt for the rest of my life.
"I'm sorry" I screamed again as my voice thundered towards the heavens and falling back to earth, hoping he will hear and reply me but he never replied me.