Dear mom

Discuss the poem Dear mom with the community...

https://www.poetry.com/poem/172858/dear-mom

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  emergentauthor

  First of all, you are not a bad writer. And I enjoyed your poem because I grew up with an abusive mother who I left behind when I was sixteen. I am in my late twenties now and have been writing since I was six. I wrote a book when I was 13, and currently, I'm writing poems and stories for a science fiction magazine online. You remind me a little bit of me. You have raw talent and natural writer's instincts; I see the makings of a great writer in your poem which has a natural rhythm and beat associated with form poetry. In particular, I like your use of masculine rhymes and your use of slant rhyme in the second stanza. Although some of the rhymes may have been slightly cheesy, like "overcoming the attack" and the head spin line, I like how many of your word choices dealt with war, like the safety pin quote, the war obviously being a metaphor for what you're going thru with your mom. The title is perfect and creative, and I like how you started the poem with "I know you love me but..." basically you've got a funny way of showing it. You have some GREAT lines scattered throughout the poem, particularly "sea full of light and darkness," nice antithesis, by the way, "eyes that show me the hardness," that's great because it deals with the senses and it's how mom makes you FEEL nonverbally, "my trust too many times misused," I know what that's all about, you're not alone, and ESPECIALLY "my love feeling like a sin." That's interesting. I wonder your intent; it makes me think of how I, as a little boy, would feel guilty feeling affection for my mom knowing what she was and after she had treated my dad and me so badly, because although she was abusive, she was still my mom. I like the line break before "healed." You do a great job of conveying how you feel toward your mom thru the way your words paint that picture; you know how to get right to the point. One specific criticism I'll make, and feel free to do with this what you will, Amber, is to cut out the word "sadly," from the line "I know I can't" and just end that line without a rhyme. On can't. It would drive the flow of the next stanza home and really make your feeling to be loved by your mom stand out even more than it does already. Don't put yourself down. With a little work, you could be a great polished writer. :) more »

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