Lost at sea

Crying like a child without his mother

I see no light left in the stars

I wonder where it all went

My mind is empty and blank, the state from my eyes reflects that darkness

No one knows, no one sees me

I'm a brick being laid against a lone wall, holding nothing

I'm a shovel being used to dig a grave, my own, by the hands of the master I never knew by name

I wish the sea would take me home, but I keep drifting outward into the open ocean. And there is nothing left to look forward too.

I'm too tired to experience the new world anymore.

I pray to Jesus that this is all according to His Father's plan, but I can't know that

I used to never believe in Him, now He's all I see

I place my hope in that gentle solitude, it's all I have left

There is no ease, no peace, only a longing and yearning for a truth I can't yet fathom

I pray to the saints and Rumi, Eckhart, and friends like Ken and Jim

None of them quell my heart's fear that I'm too lost to be brought back home

That I can't be found

That it really is over

Even now my mind is at a loss for words, a mind which used to be so free and full of insight and love, now darkened

Will it ever come back? This mind of mine...

I love you, God. How could you do this to me? I thought we were meant to be together, friends forever, and now I don't see or feel you anymore

I can't even muster a tear. It's all so dead and ugly.

But most of all, just completely empty and vacuous.

God help me