It's Getting Bad Again

I think I knew it was getting bad again when everything took so much more energy. When all of a sudden I start to distance myself from everyone and hide from the world. I think I knew it was getting bad again when I started to overthink everything and kept to myself. When the smallest remark hurt and sent me into tears. When I was left in tears on the floor of my room or bathroom for hours and my throat would be raw, my voice gone from screaming and choking on my own sobs. And I think I knew it was getting bad again when I started to do everything sitting down. Im scared that im going to hurt everyone I love, so I hide my emotions. Then I feel bad when they finally get me to open up because I feel like I am putting all my problems on them and stressing them out. And I think I knew it was getting bad again when I just wanted to sleep all the time. When a smile became so hard to produce. I think I knew it was getting bad again when I would constantly zone out and pretend I didn’t exist. But I really knew it was getting bad again when I started listening to the voice in my head. I stopped eating. Stopped caring as much, yet somehow caring too much. When suicide and death consumed my thoughts. When I craved the oh so familiar sting of the blade, the feeling of skin being scratched raw, and the warm blood that flowed from my body and ran down my skin. And I think I knew it was getting bad again when I forgot what it felt like to be loved.