Promises

I just needed you to tell the truth
I wasn't trying to court you
I was trying to get free
I was trying to get help
I was trying to stop the bleeding
The purging
The abuse of my entire entity
I just needed you to tell the truth
To say that you know me
As the person I am
Not the person I was painted out to be
I just needed you
Someone
Anyone
To admit that I am who I say
Not the projections or manipulations
Of those who have no moral integrity
That was all I needed
Asking too much?
No
But you treat me that way
So how should I behave?
It's your job anyway
It's why you were given such responsibilities
Such blessings
Such protections
Such support
Such authority
To ensure that when truth is lost in chaos
And those with power are floundering
That you would help cut through the madness
To bring the light of day
To speak truth into the lies of abuse
To support those who are vulnerable
Particularly those who supported you
It's the promise you made
In exchange for all I paid
It's not something I concocted in my head
You know this all too well
Hence your guilty feelings
Yet still you allow me to be portrayed in such a way
That makes me into something I could never be
Dumping all the responsibility on me
Pushing all the pain, suffering, and baggage my way
After extracting all you could for so many years
Never returning a single thing
But I'm asking too much
When I say "validate my identity"
For me it's the only way
I'm not even asking you
To validate what I say
I will be accountable for all that I am
All that I ask is all that I said
State who I am
Say that I am who I am
So little of an ask
For such a powerful man
Unless you fell into corruption
And are sacrificing me as well
Like all the others did
After all
No one cares
When someone like me is dead
Truth
My survival depends on it
To do so for you
Would sacrifice nothing
Unless of course
There is so much going on behind the scenes
And you need to hide your own hand
Is this why you do nothing
Say nothing
You leave me stranded
Like all the others
Abandoned
Fragmented
Scapegoated
Commodified
Codified caricature of
The definition the worst abusers gave
Wouldn't you want to escape
All I ask is nothing
Compared to all I gave
Yet you return no favors
Reflecting I never meant a thing
Neither did any of my sacrifices
I wonder how you can justify this
You made it into something else
Something you wanted
Or perhaps it was something
You wanted to project
But whatever it was
It was all for yourself
Your own handling
Your control
Your outcome
I sifted through that as well
With patience in fact
With empathy
With the honesty and integrity needed
To balance the situation
Yet nothing made you yield
Still giving
After all these years
Still being all that you asked of me
Knowing you would be triggered
Fearful
Concerned I may extract something
But I ask for nothing
Other than the confirmation
Of my identity
Bring me in from the deep
But I remain hidden
Redacted
Sectioned
Kettled
Bound
In a hamstring
This one small thing
You have denied me
When all I tried to do was escape
"There are ways"
Remember those words you constantly repeated
"Trust me"
You always said
"Lean on me"
You claimed
"I will never let you down"
You said
Yet here I Am
Here I remain
After all these years of support
Openness
Giving
I modeled the behaviors
You needed to see
Yet you still saw nothing
Other than what made you feel superior
What kept you in a high place
You only saw what was convenient
What was a self fulfilling prophecy
I suffer the consequences
No one cares
That's my reality
It's always been this way
Regardless of how I fight to change
All anyone ever wants to hear or see
Is what I can do
To make them feel
Not in a negative way
But in a form that triggers
Instant gratification
Like an addiction
But I'm a person
I am a human being
I'm not your projection
I am me
Even if you don't see me
I'm still here
I'm still living
I'm still suffering your thoughtlessness
As you scapegoat
Deny
Minimize
Redact me
I'm still a human being
Even if your cognitive dissonance
Refuses to let me breathe
I know you understand what I am saying
Because you go out of your way
To protect those you see as deserving
Please tell me
What was it again that made me valueless
What was my crime
What price am I paying
How am I deserving
Of the punishment to which I have been subjected
I simply needed you to confirm
That I am me
Too much
Then we were never friends
I was your prey