I never sang for my brother

The younger brother must pay for the pleasures of her elder brother
Said Jane Austen.
She overshot the mark by far.
13 considered an unlucky number .the number of years between me and my brother.
Heard from my mother about his visits to the hospital
By blood  a brother
Caring,  a father.
Shepherding a Godfather.

An alumni, his reputation
Got me admission
Into a school
Of great reputation.
Trips to school
Sitting on the back of his bullet
Oldest memories i can recall
Never have I felt safest.

Falling sick  became a   habit .
Month long stays at the infirmary.
An annual practice.
Jaundice  Typhoid and Tonsils
Flat feet and almost blind
Visits to the doctor a daily grind.
Nursing  and tending he  became  my shield
A lifetime's time  spent on rehabilitation
All this by the time i was only seven

There is no time like old times
He is he lens i see my past through
He was my superhero
Fought all my battles without a cape
Bullies teachers friends
Never let me feel the pain
Stood in front and fought them all
In a jiffy at my beck and call
Unforgettable lessons to them thought
Daily a dilemma
Relentless in nature
Defending became his  dogma.
In a tight spot
Riding shotgun and pounding the beat
Helped handle  hard hitting heat .
From brother to alter ego to friend and hero
I did not live in his shadow
I did in his glow

Movies he watched
Music he listened
Paved the path
Deep inside my heart
Formed an impression
Became a passion
Obsession became collection
Driving force of my  existence
It is he who funds it in abundance

Poles apart and polarised
Brutally honest and  unbiasedly truthful
Clashed with my half truths and slight stretches.
Evolved soon into deception , deceit  subterfuges
Past Consigned to oblivion ,emerged a battle of wits
Of which i had none and was at its end
Perception principle and policy
Even the nazis and jews seemed friendly

Critical of me in entirety
Tried with all sincerity
To get me on the path of honesty
Which i resisted defiantly

America a catalyst
Squabbles became a feud
My ambitions were high
Made everyone sigh
 Presumed wrongly
I went ahead unabashedly
Lack of clarity
Detached from reality
Suicide more sensible option
 Rather than to give a visa petition.
Blissfully unaware
Wishful thinking leads nowhere
Embassy ended my dream ,which
Deserved only to remain a dream

Frustration grew and rants followed
Shouting matches throughout echoed
Decibels enough to din an orchestra
Constant blaming became the final straw.

Led a life of decadence
My life result of subversion
Others realising their dream
Was an act of treason.

Bottled up anger
Lack of esteem
Feeling sorry
Life at crossroads
Dreams distant
Pushing the pedal
On the highway to hell.

Pursued me duly
Followed Epictetus
Enviable job handed on a platter.
Asking friends a favor
Did not seem to matter
Emerged a decent career.
Took care of the next decade plus one  year

Having a problem with his mentor
Did not make matters better
My version ruined his career
Fathers dreams destroyed
Mother's sacrifices laid to waste
False hopes and rainbow promises
Had him in hospital with a broken neck
Carefully built education scuttled
Six years wasted
Fruits of which till today tasted.
His only mistake
Cause he wouldnt forsake
His main flaw
A man of his intellect should have foresaw.
I did my best
To no avail ,Only bitterness prevailed

Never one to forego the past
Gratitude just a mask
A night of drunken rage
Rather unfortunate
Words spoken with hate
Kept us apart for a decade.

Uniqueness separates oneness
Still poles apart
Not as distant in the past
Contrast and contradictions
 twelfth or never

I needed a father and a mother
Only to provide for me a   brother.
Not always eye to eye
Not always  heart to  heart
Final truth ,by being apart
I will not not one day last