To My Darling Girl

why can't i save you?

why do these tears fall so much

my hands shaking

as i know there's nothing i can do

and for that i'm sorry.

i failed you.

i wasn't good enough.

i didn't have the words

the song

the way.

in a way, i've never been.

i don't speak loudly.

i'm not "out there."

other mishaps have been caused because i didn't know how to speak up.

people have been hurt.

in the end there's nothing i can do.

i'm just a stupid kid living in a stupid world.

so stupid.

so complacent.

so quick to give up.

they told me i was a good friend and a strong person

but i can't even do what matters most.

i'm a fraud and a weakling.

for all the things i should've done,

for all the things i could've said

for every way i failed in life

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry that i'm useless and can do nothing except waste oxygen

obsess over pieces of myself

and be ungrateful.

i told you i was going to save you.

well, another thing i'm good at is lying.

we had it all planned out

our lives together

you and he would marry

and i'd be there to help you if you needed me

but i can't even dream of that now.

i have no hope anymore.

so i'm sorry i wasn't strong enough to keep going for you.

i wish i could make the world stop

and get off this ride

so at least i wouldn't have to live with my failure.

i wouldn't have to live in a stupid world without you.

but we can't both leave him.

so i guess i'll stay.

even as i write this my tears fall and my nose runs and it's getting on my computer but i don't care right now.

i'm sorry you met me.

i'm sorry i promised you so much and gave you so little.

i'm sorry i'm not good enough and i will never be.

and in the end i'm sorry i wrote you this.

you're going through enough already

yet here i am complaining.

my life isn't as bad as anyone else i know's.

but i can't stand to look in the mirror and know who i am.

i didn't deserve to be called your mother because i failed you just like your real mother did.

i hate your parents and even your idol for doing this to you

but hating them won't save you.

i loved you as much as i possibly could

but loving you won't save you.

i spent time with you and disobeyed my parents

but that still won't save you.

was there something i could've done?

was there an error i made?

was there a way i could atone?

what a disgusting, hopeless, worthless breath of air i am.

there was so much i dreamed of

our future

meeting in real life

us reading my book when it's finished

hanging out at a cafe together

you meeting my cats

going to a mall

eating

and eventually

watching you and him get married.

but there's nothing left for me to hope for anymore.

i guess this is where i leave.

don't worry, i won't die.

but i just wanted to tell you i love you and will always love you

my dearest child.

and if it's possible and i can save you

please.

please give this worthless piece of sh*t failure a chance.

a chance to atone for everything i've done to you.

a chance to make things right.

a chance for the future you two deserve together.

i'll love you forever and always

my dearest daughter.