Dad

The air was thick, a blackout upon a lonely house.
A small child shivering, crying, and screaming.
That was one memory from you I always think about.
I thought I hated you and you hated me.
But now, I don’t think that is the truth.

It was a cold winter night, when I heard about it.
Right then, our relationship was weird, awkward.
You were at the hospital but I didn’t see you, I admit.
I only thought you had a scar, a scar disfigured.
In reality, I was just too scared to see you.

After,
It’s like a hole had suddenly sunken deep in me
And the arms of Hades and Argos were reaching up above.
At that time, it felt like there was no one.
And that I will never be truly loved.
Then, the day arrived--

I was there on the grass, a fake flower and fresh flower in hand.
I didn’t want to do it.
I figured if there was anyone you would not want on your land,
I would have been on that list.

I didn’t cry but my heart must be weeping--
In pain and guilt because of my hesitation,
I had blamed myself for your death
I shouldn’t have asked so much.

I wonder if back then, had I visit you--
would I not be feeling so dead?
This familiar scene reminds me of now--

The air was thick, a blackout upon an empty room
I had gotten a dream about you again--
I see you with me, a chain on my ankle but loose.
A cell of heaven but no one who stayed, not even god.
I think you don’t want this to be the truth.

I'm sorry for you, Dad--
For you, I'm so sorry--
I know words can't bring you back
But at least it'll bring you peace

I might have hated you at some point--
But i think I'm willing to forgive--
you probably won't accept it anyways--
But I'm going to say it and live,
I think--I need that--as my truth--
Dad.