Problematic

     Hurt and under pressure. Messy thoughts ;whatever resembles you. My thoughts seem to pour out . I blame myself for that flow. Mimicking your style of ‘protection’ so Im deemed as perfect. I wish I never said anything but I wasted a lot and rolled myself out thin for your bare recognition. Never got a sorry , my feelings aren't relevant to that ‘home’. I'm overreacting ,not at the slightest do I believe that but I'll  leave that part alone.  You've drilled things in my head . I wish those screws would come loose . Excuses seem to be the number one reason for me to be alone , isolation is prone .As I grew I saw the difference between me and you.

     Never knew what the black sheep meant, until I felt it with all of me and my sorrows. I put everyone first and ran with the validation even if I was to borrow . ‘Dad look I made it’, ‘That's good’. Maybe I'm asking for too much but how do my own siblings get my dream of a life I've wanted? I make excuses to let it go but some of the words get trapped in my deadly thoughts , sometimes in a row . I leave a tread of weakness. I leave traces of myself  but somehow I never know where to travel  . I watch my mistakes unfold and unravel all the things I wanted to be wrong ,written in bold. Those  irrelevant words you confide within me stick because all I wanted was the relationship everyone talks about me before I matured . I hate the way I was when we got along, everything seemed wrong.  Under a light in a dark hole I see myself unfold . ‘keep that same energy’, as you would say , trust me I have but Im not sure if you'd say you relate, as I've been told.
     I wish I had the vouchers you do , but I'll deal with you alone . Before everything taps out before I leave, I promise I won't grieve.Missing something but It's never you, I wish someone had a new thing to say rather than ‘Synia , It's no big deal’,  yet those words you leave in an array leave in order in my brain. Processing your problems nothing seems to solve mine . Hanging myself upside down because everyone knows you better. The psychotic girl with all the hospital bills. Bound to your stress I leave everything a mess. My problems you started and the ones you surprisingly didn't see I tend to glisten like stars  . It all sounds so dumb but I'm tragically numb, nothing seems to hurt the way it used to. Forcing myself to love you so it's not disrespectful. I hate the way I lie to myself. Acting like you’re right , you have so many vouchers but me , not quite . The daughter you prayed to never have . The daughter you think is so bad she feels embarrassment for being herself.
     Inpatient for the months ahead I’m so glad the “I wish I was dead “ , only comes around for the season . I try so hard to be like them , but who are they to choose my life between approval of my future ?  Stop being so profusely unattached, nonchalantly it’s so hard to grasp. Leave me unfriended. I can't wait to hear about the others who hate me for being true to myself .

Rotting in my bed alone
Sewn in
Did you do it alone?
Isolated ;so sick of you
Contagious; ridiculous to say
Perfection frees me
Masked out by depression
Praying leaves me in
Karma releases
So much anxiety
I'm losing myself
Day by day
Everything goes farther and farther
Weakens
All I needed was to leave pity at the door  
Beauty is beyond me
I see no reason to show
Catastrophizing what others see
No matter what Im told