Aware

As moments fade into memories
I'm open to the idea of shifting the perspective.
Chaotic responses designed to keep me afraid,
Have finally begun to fade.
Attempting to absorb and embrace
The madness that is consciousness,
Now Accepting that It's unlikely I'll ever be fully understood
Though Empathy for humanity's been running through my soul as long as I remember.
Yet Discovering that compassion does not pertain to myself.
If fear and love cannot coexist,
How do I love so deeply?
Is it love?
Do I even know how to love?
No matter the desire
It has to mean enough to tear the walls down and scream it out loud.
Or does it?
Is my awareness, this perceived catalyst I am, completely wrong?
I (fucking) truly hope not.
Learning now for the first time fully, how much I may hate myself.
What a waste of time it is,
Talking spirit and sharing experience
If I can't embody that space and let all feel it
Because I don't know how to
Mother's, fathers, traumas, blame
stuck in the cycle as guilt and shame rewrite my approach once again
All I desire is to be seen
Yet I fear being looked at
standing naked before my reflection I hate what I see
For some reason I'm blessed that so many believe in me
Even when I don't have a clue why
They care
They defend
I build
Then destroy
I cry
Then continue to judge myself
Yet do nothing
I know myself but still hide
I show myself as i run
Graciously i see now that my family
Is not done
Being built
I've embraced the demons that molded me long enough
In this space becoming more accepting than ever before
Through unconditional love
Maybe I can emulate the idea
Long enough to make it stick
And deconstruct this inherited conditioning.
Better yet, maybe even shed the facade
That anyone else's judgment ever mattered in the first place