Beginning Life As A Victim

I've been living my life as a victim since I was three years old,
It was always my fault no matter what - I was always told.
I should be a better child, listen more and try to do it right,
Sad thing is no matter how hard I tried - it never stopped the abuse at night.

I tried to be the best kid that you could ever imagine of me,
But the sexual and physical abuse continued - why didn't anyone see?
A child should never have to go thru the things I did back then,
It messed me up so bad that I couldn't ever go thru it ever again.

The worse the abuse got - the more the nightmares kept me up at night.
Already scared for myself but also having to watch my mother and father fight.

The beatings my  father gave out were horrible, afterwards you couldn't even cry,
Afraid if he found out or even heard you - he'd beat you till you die.
This happened almost daily for several months then onto years,
Instilling deep in my mind all kinds of mental struggles and fears.

I started to run away at seven years old and stay in the streets of night,
Sometimes it was so cold and mean I had to learn quickly how to fight.
But I kept ending up going back starving for food or a warm bed,
It just gave my father and older brother more chances to mess with my head.
I was forced to do things and the guilt haunts me to this day,
Why wasn't I allowed to be a normal kid and just go outside and play?

I took all the abuse that I could and finally ran away for good at fourteen years old,
From then on I lived in the streets eating out of trash cans and sleeping in the cold.
I seldom went back not even to just say hello or good-bye,
Just being anywhere near there caused me to shake and begin to cry.

I lived on the street for two years until some friends of mine took me in,
I was thankful for a place warm to stay, then I learned about all of their sin.
I knew they were bikers of some sort but I didn't know them very well,
Then the truth started to show and they were the angels from Hell.
I stuck to myself as much as I could and stayed in my room all the time,
I didn't want anything to do with what was going on in the other room full of crime.
I only stayed there a very short time and I left for good,
It wasn't that I wasn't welcome there - I just felt that it was time I should.

Living on the street had taught me a lot about life I didn't know,
It taught me to be thankful for the small things and always let those thanks show.
I had grown up in a rather rough and cruel hardship of a way,
But I was bound and determined not to let it affect my life today.
I've given my life back to the Lord and He is my Savior till the end,
He has helped heal so many of my wounds and helped my heart mend.
I still go thru struggles from time to time and God has never left my side,
I just do the best I can with what I have been blessed with and stay away from pride.
I've had many ups and downs in my life and with my health to date,
But somehow God has always managed to pull me thru as if it were my fate.
I fight with PTSD, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and sometimes I have seizures,
But God has helped me get on the right medications some being so small you need to take them with tweezers.

But I'm fifty-three almost fifty-four years old now and I have to tell you my life is nothing like it once was,
God has lead me down a much different path then I might have chosen - but it works for me - it just does.
I had my struggles when my health crashed in 2014 and I almost died,
But somehow God pulled me thru that September and the Devil cried.
I was so messed up in my mind and so weak in my body I was truly ready to give up,
When God sent me an angel who has helped me once again look at life like a half full cup.
She risked everything she had to save me life and figure out what was wrong,
And God has been right beside us the whole time as if He was writing our own personal song.

I've been in and out of seven different hospitals and seen more doctors than I could remember,
Yes, to say the least I've had a rough brush with my health that hit me like a wall since September.
Many different doctors  - too many different medications to even keep track of,
Some helped me out while others had me thinking I was soon going to be living with God above.
I've learned a lot about family and friends and what happens when the going gets rough,
There was no one left around by my side except for my God sent angel - and man, she's tough.

That's a great thing to have by your side when you're lost and confused,
Is a God sent angel taking care of and protecting you making sure you don't get used.
God is my foundation and my God sent angel is my strength, by best friend and my rock,
With her it's a guarantee she has my back and best interests covered - she's better than owning stock.
With everything we've been thru in the two years we have been together and believe me - it's been a lot,
She's been by my side relentlessly fighting for her and I to make it completely and non-stop.
When I was suddenly no longer able to work she stood beside me like no one before,
She could've said, "Oh hell no, no way you're sticking me with all of this and showed me the door".
I'm very thankful for the woman I have now in my life,
She's taught me so much about love and what it means to be a real wife.

I started out an abused child fighting everyday just to keep the pain away,
Now I'm blessed to have a forgiving God and a beautiful wife by my side everyday!
I'm here to tell you God can take a nightmare and turn it into the most beautiful thing,
He has turned my whole life around and blessed me way beyond the most valuable ring.
So I just want to say if you come from a past of abuse as I did as a child,
You don't have to stay in that lost and hurting place acting wild.
You can change it, but it will take awhile,
Just life it up to God because He can change all your nightmares to a life filled with calm and mild.



Thank you God for not leaving behind a child who was once very hurt and lost,
You paid a very heavy price for my freedom that day on the cross and now I understand the cost.
Thank you my angel, Boogy, for giving me and showing me more love than I ever knew I could feel,
And for standing by my side thru the hard times and the good times and proving to me love can be real!