How Findest Thou Me?

How findest thou me?

And what is it you would like to hear? That I didn’t know there was a man out there who felt as deeply as I?

An object surely of affection but also of remorse of course the days are hastening on and on, etc.  

Or;

That I am irascible, insufferable, dangerous, even?
I’d laugh if I thought it really were a creepy joke but with you
It’s so hard to tell.

Not really - I can see genuine fear and be astonished by it without incurring suspicions of sociopathy. I hope.

If I am cursed it is only with love for thee which is surely and rightly thy fault.

Not mine as you “presume.”

Or in other worlds, metal health.

A lesser woman than I am would say:

My faith waivers only ever but a moment in mind;

So much faith does it require, and which faith will be marked against me, yet again. As I am found unfit to feel.

Of course not, for the “options” if I even chose to look up on them are all ill-begotten. In other words, there are none. So let the rest of the world be damned.

And I am damned for saying so; of course.

Well then: Good Afternoon. I’ll be thy purgator.

If thou wilt not come a little closer to the fireside.

In the voice of angels, I’ll say: be not afraid.

Take pity upon thy saving angel.

For these scriptures are imperfect. Unlike Joseph Smith of old, I am called to illustrate not perfection in diction but perfect imperfection. Like a yin-yang there is always an argument over the proportion of black and white.

All you appear to want to hear is an apology. Remorse above all else, for the fact that I maybe kinda like you?

Or, perhaps:

Just hear my prayer —

That I would be thy loyal servant,

Thy faithful companion

Thine ever-loving wife to succor thee

In all of thy life’s trials.

For this I am called insane.

Threatened with thine utter removal from me.

Just have a little faith.

Have some imagination and a little faith in me.

Just a pinch would do.

For mustard stains make ancient things impossible to ignore.

And yet: not my will but thine be done.

I can shut the f*ck up only for a little while.

I revile the way you put me away.

I distrust it too.

For every woman fails thee.

In this we are alike.

Or, in your tongue:

We speak different languages, you and I — it sometimes seems.

Or perhaps:

You got me fucked up, fam.

Or:

I egress with good intent.

What border guard is there?

Impossible.

For my faith is eternal.

And faith grows on and on from mustard seeds and tiny things
If you can only hope to have it—
If you can but desire, then it shall be planted in thee
And shall grow.

Giving cause to isolate yourself further. I’d scoff if I didn’t fear your sincerity so.

You could handle me just fine if you’ll keep open your mind; and just that little bar of light will do.

Or:

Is what you want to hear that I know I suck?

Rate me. Castrate, lobotomize, sterilize, in other words: censor me.

Protect your sensibilities above all else. You know I do.

Yours, they are those that I prize

Sensibilitywise.

Or:

That he doesn’t want to think himself feared but is unwilling to good humor.

Contrarian by nature and beloved in a way for being so, as he might choose to come along some days and times as he sees fit, in which we celebrate deeply.

Isolated by choice not forever, only longer than most have faith enough to abide.

Peter was kind of known as the most faithful apostle, so the fact that even he waivered before dawn— this is very instructive and not to be repeated by those seeking to exemplify faith.

I can be better than Peter and abide with with you even in the seasons of darkness if you should encounter them.

God, you’ve seen me through so much.

And nothing have you asked of me.

Better fumbled than forgotten.

For repentance is never far behind for those who stray as I have.

And always it reproves me.

And improves and turns around and sets me straight again.

That in me which you imagine as rage is only

A passion contained in as best a moral virtue as I’ve pieced together in my time.

Family first; of course.

How can I be said to give offense when the only options are advance and retreat?

Or that I would act with tenderness upon thy body?