AN ODE TO THE FIRST MAN I EVER TRULY LOVED

We were literally children, growing up side by side. I admired you. You were new in class. You were mixed, like me. Beautiful brown eyes. Beautiful hair, smile, everything. We were so innocent, so little, nothing like love was on the table but I felt it. I felt it for the very first time. Broke my heart when you gave Caroline H. a necklace and earrings for Valentine's Day; Being raised exactly how a boy should be raised. With respect and reverance for love. She was my bully, but she was prettier than me, so I wasn't too hurt. I understood that pretty people dated pretty people. So we didn't date. Years later, you ask my mother how I am. She smiles when she tells me this, and yet it still stings. Knowing you thought of me. Knowing how close the end really was. Mom was in Harris House when you saw her on Broadway. She was healthier, better than you remembered. It made you so happy, I imagine, to see me doing okay. I would leave puddles of blood in the bathroom hoping someone could see I was hurting. I'm sure you knew. I was very... Public. 'Crazy Town'. Losing you hurt more than any wound I could have inflicted onto myself. I miss you every day, Presten James Pinnell. Everyone does. So when you soared, of course my brain broke. How could someone so perfectly happy, die? In such a way, at least? How could you...? Sometimes I wonder. Wonder how your friends felt when they found you dead in the parking lot. Smashed. Splattered. I wince when I think of it. But God. I knew you were happy to fly. Be reunited with your dad. I knew how much he meant to you. It wasn't like we were best friends or anything but I just knew in the way that I just know things sometimes. You were the happiest man I ever met and may ever meet, but not really. You were devastated when you lost your father; I the same way, never having one. Did you think I was adopted at first? I think this to myself. Don't say it to anyone but myself. But you cared. You cared enough to wonder why I didn't look like my mom or my 'dad' or my siblings. You cared for everyone, and you went home. It's okay, I forgive you, I promise. But still, I question every lover now. Will they leave? Will they die like Monica's boyfriend did? "I love you, honey" before... Bang. It's all too reminiscent of things I've felt and seen before. I need to heal from this, and it's not because you hurt me. I just love too hard, and never wanted to say goodbye to you. God bless you and your family, Presten. Stay beautiful.