The cycle of being true to yourself

The pessimism of the human state

I doubt i could ever conjure up words that would make sense and describe what i see, and how i see it, i honestly spend too much of my time overthinking the hardships of my own life, but perhaps there is a comfort to that, knowing, that for better or for worse i will never be able to fully understand what it is that i am paves way for and endless road of discovery in things other than that.

I know that sometimes my thoughts whirl around me like they're a shirt in the wind, eventually it will land, but its impossible to predict where and why it will.

I can spend most days for now just thinking about how i could be kinder, in some ways that truly is hard. I guess i know where i want to end up, but i have no idea where that is or how i could realistically get there, almost as if im at the back of a rope attached to a boulder, and I'm trying to move it to the side.

A lot of the time i think, or perhaps now have thought that attaching myself for a single answered belief system, is somehow the solution to growing in any way i can, sometimes these things stick, but most of the time they go when i come to the eventual revelation that there are parts of myself that i dont yet fully understand, that i will quickly have to courageously overcome to reach that ever promised light at the end of the tunnel.

All humans are driven by something though, i suppose thats the entire point, if there wasn't something constantly pulling us in a certain direction then we wouldn't ever know what to do with ourselves, for some that pulling force is their careers, for others its their appearance, but for a lot of people, i think originally its that constant desire for love.

A lot of the time these temptations can be toxic, i suppose the interesting thing about that is the entire idea of 'drive' and 'purpose' is as subjective as a bear choosing its next meal, so long as its something, we'll do anything to pull ourselves away from the alternative.

So what is the alternative to this? I think for many they see the lower end of the pit as depression, when that drive or pull, for whatever reason has left you wanting more, but you were never able to fully realize what it is that you wanted. Depression therefore is an entire theatrical irony we play on ourselves, you were meant to do the thing, but didn't and now you waste days thinking more about the thing you were unable to do. Then with time, we move on, and learn from it. Amongst that, There is a beautiful, but torturous battle for growth, like you're trying to climb a mountain but you wear the skin in your hands down to the point where they need to recreate themselves to tackle the ever present idea of growth.

You see the same themes i think unsurprisingly amongst the darwinism  idea of evolution, through time, we as a species have without reason been through the lowest points in the road to creation, through plagues, war, genocide, natural disaster and famine, to inflation and purges; all of those things we were able to get through, simply because we knew and learned from every shortcoming we had and grew past it, when you see why our attitude to life in itself entirely parralels this, you start to understand what you must do to grow, simply by the patterns of life itself.

Its all well and good saying that, something that i am aware of endlessly but fail to act on, i think realizing there is no book or philosiphy or idea that would come close to supporting you more than just going out and figuring these things out for yourself, when we try and explain things like this, i think a little bit of magic gets lost in the overexplained, which i find is another irony of repeating any of this.

I suppose thats a good place to end it, dont listen to some angsty  post-teen try and personify his depression in any meaningful way.

But it still matters to think about the things that haunt us, like emotional ghost busters we must suck these weird and occasionally wonderful parts of our mind out from the deep pits of it, and into our own reality.

Get out there

Conquer what you need to

Dream how you feel necessary

Live and sleep how you feel you should on the day

Act on your impulses (if safe) who knows where they could lead

Read a book, not in any romantic pursuit, but for the sake of better putting words to your thoughts and allowing the rivers in your mind to combine into one single stream

Trust your gut, even if you love them, if something is telling you that there is something off there, run for the hills.

To counter, if something they do makes you worried or scared, or feel like it questions your every belief and instinct, stick around, you might learn something.

Love everyone, but not as soon as you want to, allow time to mould your heart to theirs, in friendship, or in romance

Spend time getting to know yourself, know that, it is okay to step away if you feel burned out by others, or how you inside are feeling after countless days of neglecting yourself, know that it is not only ok to step back, but necessary, after all if you cant know why you want to do things, what was the point.

Cry when you can, but know when you're not able to for what feels like an eternity, that's ok too, time creates scabs and those scabs fall off and you can feel how your skin once felt, our minds reflect this.

Dont hate your appearance, it is but a flesh suit that is entirely separated from the world and beauty within, focus on that before anything else.