Love

I have felt love In ways that most people wouldn’t want to.
It was screamed at me as plates shattered against the walls.
It was a plea for forgiveness on the lips of my lover as he patched the hole he punched in the wall because he couldn’t hit me.
Love was whispered to me as I wiped tears from my face because I had made him mad, now the anger had subsided.
“But I love you” I'd say when you told me to leave
“I thought you loved that about me” I’d say when you would criticize my body, my thoughts, my words

Heavy were the words you say to make me feel fat, but you wouldn’t say it out right to my face…
You could scream and holler and beat holes in the walls and ignore me for days and I would wait…
I’d just sit there and wait because when you’d come back…
when you’d finally come back and wrap your arms around me… only then was I whole, complete, loved.

I have loved through pain that would cause someone to crumble to their knees.
I have suffered love that would destroy the mind, the soul, the spirit…
I have clenched my fists in rage at love I’ve screamed at it, walked away from it Lost it, gave too much of it…
Gave my self over to it time after time with nothing left to offer…but still I scraped the bits and pieces of myself to give over to love… To what end?
My desire for love still aches in my belly.
The tender caress of a lover's hands… I yearn for it Love evades me.
I rip at the curtains.
I Claw at the walls and still love moves further and further away, leaving me breathless and panting with tears in my eyes… Reaching…. Reaching and only grasping air!
Yet I still long for it.
Even the pain of it… I miss it.
Because at least in the fighting I could FEEL something.

Because this nothingness that I live with… makes me not want to live at all.