I never said yes

Rips down my tights, a tugging on my dress
I didn’t “say no”, but I never said yes
I felt your hand placed on my crown
Pushing my head further and further down

I’ll always wonder if a pill was slipped in my drink
Why couldn’t I feel and why couldn’t I think?
Some memories are blurry or I have forced myself to forget
One thing is for sure though , I wish we had never met

At just 16 it was the the first time I’d drunk, too many drinks were placed in my hand
Too drunk to consent, surely you understand
Yes I didn’t scream or shove you away
But that doesn’t make your actions okay

A few days later, still I bled
Avoided the world and hid in my bed
Anxious worries what if you had passed on an STD
There were judgemental looks, emergency contraception from the pharmacy

Weeks, months, years pass yet whenever I see you in a public place
I’m still sick to the stomach, those memories like a punch in the face
You showed up at my work place complete with a smug smile
I fled to the staff room, you make me feel vile

To your friends I know you’ll refer to me as a “one night stand”
 Leaving my house that night, this wasn’t the outcome I had planned
Passed out drunk and laying on the floor
You saw that as an invitation, an open door

For years after I blamed myself, my mind  replaying the night
Why did I get so drunk or why didn’t I fight
But the truth is that you used my state and vulnerability
That night you chose to take advantage of me