I never chose to be her

I never chose to be her
I never chose to be the girl drunk calling every ex she’s ever known
in the middle of the night
every weekend
I never chose to be the girl stashing alcohol in her desk
on the same shelf as the acrylic paint I used to stroke canvases with to draw lollipops and hot air balloons
Or the girl who can’t get through her day without a smoke
Or the girl who has to email her teachers for extensions on every assignment
If i email
I didn’t choose to be the girl who cracked open three piggy banks scrounging up money for an ID
I never chose to be the girl who keeps count of her calorie intake and calories burned
I never chose to be the girl who has to go to a checkup weekly with her doctor
I never chose to be the girl who has to find the right time in the school day to throw up
And in the right bathroom
I never chose to be the girl who stares at other girls’ bodies in envy
I never chose to be the girl jealous of her friends
Or the girl with the alcoholic dad
And bipolar mom

dad never chose to be obsessed with a substance
Or a few
mom never chose to be the woman who can’t handle too much of other people
She didn’t choose to be the girl with daddy issues
She didn’t choose to be the girl who falls in love with someone who is too much like her father

I certainly never chose to hate dad for it
I never chose to be the girl who has to take antidepressants after last December
I never chose to be undesirable
I never chose to drive people away

People change. And often they change into the person they said they never wanted to be.

Before I knew being a teenage girl
I knew my dream girl
I chose her.
I chose the girl with the brightly colored outfits
I chose the girl who was unapologetically herself
I chose the girl who enjoyed traveling with her parents
I chose the girl who wanted to make new friends
With everyone
I chose the girl who believed in fairies
And Santa Claus
And magic.
I chose the girl who believed people could change
That people could heal
I chose the girl who believed she could make it in the world
And make it into her dream school
And make her dream salary
I chose the girl who liked being at home when she could be
I chose the girl who read books
Everyday
I chose the girl who had endless belief in love,
Life,
happiness.
I chose the girl who believed in dreaming
I chose the girl who dreamed BIG
I chose the girl who sang the song in her heart
For all to hear
I chose the girl who wrote music
And learned songs on her guitar
I chose the girl who wanted to hike
I chose the girl who was at her friends’ in need beck and call
I chose the girl who preached against drugs because why would you ruin your beautiful self
I chose the girl who surprised her best friend with a birthday party
I chose the girl who loved talking to parents
I chose the girl who bought gifts and decorated lockers
I chose the girl who reached out.
I chose the girl who journaled.
I chose the girl who let everyone take advantage of her kindness
She did it with grace
The dream girl I chose
is gone
Maybe some of her is still here.
She still believes in fairies
And Santa Claus
And magic
I hope some time to meet her again
Because I chose to be her.
But the world didn’t.